Archive for the ‘Talks with myself’ Category

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The frogs

8 June , 2018

Interesting head space I find myself in this week…(interesting is code for terrible if you didn’t get it).

Truth be told I’m feeling very off kilter, and I’m reacting more than acting. It’s shit, I hate it, and I don’t plan on keeping myself in this limbo for long.

So after the navel gazing (now password protected) post from last week, I’m sort of better this week. If you can call head limbo a better place. Maybe by next week I’ll be fighting fit again (as a side note, I am actually considering taking up proper boxing for some tension relief).

Right, where to start…

I recreated my profile. I was really conflicted about doing this. As you know, my go-to-move is to go into hiding for 1-7 years, but this time I’m trying to do things differently. I don’t really think I will find “the one” if there really is such a creature in any event, but I figure it’s good for some laughs and maybe meeting a few interesting people along the way.

So far it has definitely been good for some laughs…also some WTF moments. I can’t see why I have to suffer through this alone, so I’m dragging you guys into this with me. Kicking and screaming if I have to.

This is probably as dressy as I’ll ever get. Just putting it out there. It’s been sort of fun to do the dressy bit, but I think it’s just because it’s out of the ordinary for me.

(So yeah, not a princess…)

This was a great cup of coffee, that almost made up for the company I had while drinking it.

(Almost a magic potion…)

I actually popped out to buy make up, and this spoke to me more. πŸ˜†

(My sort of glass slipper…)

Brace yourselves

Right…behold my collection of frogs! I’ve covered up everyone’s faces and names to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. I’m sure there are lots of people who could say really unflattering things about me too (they’ll have to do it on their own blogs though, this one is mine).

I’m just going to stick to the basics. I don’t actually have to explain much. You’ll see why…

This man has not given up on this just because of that little niggle though. He almost religiously keeps sending me messages every day.

A very serious pity about me having to cover up the face…the blue eyes on this one actually needs to come with a licence.

Unless the earth suddenly collapses in on itself and South Africa and Turkey end up neighbours, this isn’t going anywhere but odd penpals.

Also, very suspicious about why this isn’t an apparent problem for him.

(In a land far, far away…)

Uhuh… as you may have guessed, he really wanted the conversation to move over to whatsapp or any platform where he could send photos. Not for me, thanks though.

I hope he finds the audience he’s looking for.

(A magic wand?)

He wasn’t wrong. I made a typo. *gasp*

I don’t know. I just felt a bit under the spotlight after that, and kept re-reading my messages before sending them. The pressure was insane! Mwahaha.

It just took all the fun out of it really.

(I got nothing here…this one just made me feel stupid)

Met this one in person.

He had obviously been talking to numerous people, and he just couldn’t keep his info straight anymore. He kept asking me questions that he’s already asked me before.Β It really pissed me off actually. I got a bit short in my responses.

I wasn’t what he was expecting either, I gather.

I’m okay with that.

(Gaston-ish)

Chatting was marvelous with him. And he has a voice that can melt butter, seriously.

I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I’m not his cup of tea. He’s looking for someone short. He wants to date a pixie.

I am many things to many people, but I am definitely not short. Or a pixie.

(Peter pan?)

Observations

  • I am coming into this business way too emotional I think, I’m going to slow down and do some hard thinking.
  • The chatting, even the bad chatting, is good and I’m enjoying it, but the moment I meet anyone in person I throw up walls like someone triggered all the booby traps in my tomb – I think there’s a message in that for me
  • I am pretending to be more girly-girl than I actually am. Why the actual fuck am I doing that?! I can’t decide if it’s that I want to just be a bit fabulous, instead of a bit strong…or if I think people will react better to this side of me than the one I usually present. Could be a bit of both I guess?
  • A very very long time ago…during sales training… this one genius told me that customers will always ask the same question, and it will always be the one you can’t answer. It’s because they hear it in your voice, they know where to find the uncertain part and they zoom in on it like heat seeking missiles. Once you can answer that question, no one will ever ask you to answer it again. Frogs are also like this I think. They know – somehow, they just know.
  • So far, the biggest thing I’m getting from this is a unique glimpse at myself and what makes me tick. It is not an altogether pleasant experience.
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Protected: Release

29 May , 2018

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Warm and fuzzies

28 May , 2018

Isn’t that a lovely message to receive?

I’m going to keep this handy for days that I don’t think I’m doing well at the mothering gig at all…or you know, for when she’s a teenager and possibly (temporarily I hope) hates my guts.

I know I don’t always get it 100% right, but I am always trying my best. That has to count for something.

Thanks Hermien for making my day with this beautiful message. Other than the warm and fuzzy that I’ll save for a day where she tells me I’m not her friend anymore, this message has also reminded me that when you see something special or beautiful in someone else you should speak it. It may mean more to them than you can ever imagine!

Oddly enough, this morning when we said goodbye at school drop off, my thoughts were that this must be the most unconditional love I have ever received from anyone. I am one lucky mamma! My daughter really does consider me her hero, and we have the BEST relationship between us. We can, and do, talk about everything and anything.

I have always, and will always be team Nicola. My little miracle.

Haha, sorry guys. I’m feeling very mush tonight…normal tough cookie programming will resume shortly. Hang in there.

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Protected: Auribus teneo lupum

25 May , 2018

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Hindsight is 20/20

23 April , 2018

I shared my blog address with someone new recently, and you know after about 12 years of blogging you sort of forget all the stuff that you’ve put “out there”. (May the force be with anyone who has the tenacity to sift through 12 years of my rambling anyway!)

I thought I better coast through and remind myself as well, of all the things I wrote (well I got through about 4 years before I wanted to give myself a mental shake).

How do you guys stomach it?! All I ever bloody write about is how tired I am!

Sorry, hahaha – apparently I’ve been f-ing exhausted for a very long time. No more okay? πŸ˜‰

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It’s that time of the year again

31 January , 2018

I think I have a mental block on this, because I always forget that beginning of the school year brings some form of family tree trauma.

And every year the questions come with more insight and less possibility of forgiveness.

TGC, your window of opportunity is closing rapidly now…and I haven’t done a thing to help it along except tell the truth.

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New things – Growth

19 February , 2017

So I don’t know about you, but I like to get into a bit of growth after a break up and really 3 days is more or less how long I allow myself to wallow in self pity before I put my game face back on. 

How hard did I wallow? Considering I made the cut myself? Well…I wallowed sufficiently, I guess. For the first 2 days I was only seen in puffy eyes and by the third day I was still pretty sad but at least I didn’t burst into tears every time someone asked me how I was doing.

I guess it also helped somewhat to see him look absolutely unbothered by it all. And you know, remembering how it started. How we used to chat almost through the night in the beginning…and then seeing that he’s been online until the wee hours of the morning. This from a guy who hardly saw 20:00 in the last year and a half. Well, I guess he’s back on the horse then…and it’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be? Just adds a bit of perspective for me.

I reckon in the next week or so the last of his stuff will have been carted away and then it will feel more like the clean break it is.

Anyhoo, back to new things…

The first “new” thing I’ve been tackling is a case of the bants. Techically I have now been banting for almost 4 weeks and it’s been mostly awesome. 

So far I’m down just over 4kg and 11cm round my waist. Ironically this is something Steve and I were going to do together, but all he gave up was Play energy drinks. 

Oh well, it’s all mine now then. πŸ˜› (And I’ll grab it with both grubby little paws since I still want/need to shake somewhere between 10 and 15kg). 

Hats off to those of you have been on this band wagon for years. Turns out, you were on to a fabulous thing and I should have jumped on ages ago. Thanks for sharing your journeys.

And as you may or may not be aware, I have been unemployed since last year July. Economy is in the crapper and my contract just didn’t get renewed. 

So in November, after sending out enough CVs to really be sick and tired of it, I started doing some work from home. It’s not exactly what I saw myself doing to be honest, but it’s work. And I seem to be doing okay at it.

In February I started doing it permanently. It’s kind of killing me now, but there are parts of that I enjoy. I put in a bit of time in the mornings when I get up at 4. Then lots more after I drop Nicola at school. In the afternoons at 15:00 I pick her up again and then we chill and homework and dinner a bit. And by 21:00 I’m back at it untill somewhere between 00:00 and 03:00. Then up again at 4, rinse and repeat. 

Seriously, I am working my ass off and I can hardly keep up. I am hoping with my new drama free homelife, my focus will be a bit better and things will fall in place with a little less blood, sweat and tears from my side.

I do love the lack of traffic, and the super flexibility of this job.

Anyway, I am happy to be working again. It has suckef big time being dependent on the kindness and support of family and friends. But that too, I have appreciated greatly. I really feel that at this stage in my life, I shouldn’t need bail outs as often as I do.

And then lastly (for now at least), a stroke of luck (or destiny), has crossed paths with me. 

For SOoooooome time now, I have known that the little engine that could a.k.a Blue Tazz, needed replacing. But you know, unemployed people aren’t generally in a great position to go car shopping and really my head space was so full of shit that I didn’t really worry too much about it. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Out of the box isn’t really an option for me at the moment, but second hand I may be able to pull off. Only, I have a bit of a trust issue with second hand cars after what I went through with my first car (that tried to kill me!). 

So imagine how the heavens opened and angels sang on Friday, when I saw a friend who’s leaving the country advertised her car on fb! I know her, and I know her car, and I’m completely okay with it. 

So if all goes according to plan I will have a newer car by the end of this week! With aircon!!! And one whose roof doesn’t flap in the wind like a flag when I open the windows. 

You have no idea how exciting this for me! I have driven my trusty blue for close to 17 years. We have been PLACES, I tell you. Honestly, I’m going to miss it.

But this newer car feels like it’s been sent. It just feels right. I really saw myself in a red car next, but it turns out I was wrong. Because the one that finally spoke to me is silver. 

I can’t wait to see what adventures and new roads we hit first. πŸ™‚

So, all things considered, I am doing just fine. How the heck are you?

Ps! Thanks and sorry to anyone who’s pics I’ve nicked off Pinterest for this post.