Archive for the ‘Talks with myself’ Category

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Protected: Bad apples

30 July , 2018

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Things are not always what they appear to be

2 July , 2018

yeshi-kangrang-296068-unsplash

Ever wear a mask, or hide behind a lie? Sure you have – I’m pretty sure everyone has at some point or another.

One of mine, so old that I haven’t even thought about it in soooo many years, popped up over the weekend. It was time to set the record straight I guess.

See, many moons ago…pre-Nicola obviously (you’ll see why this is obvious in a second…just bear with me), my mom was always hounding my brother and I about her desperate need to be a grandmother. On every occasion she got. Everywhere and in front of anyone. Really…non  stop. She used to tell people if she wanted to be a grandmother she would have to have the babies herself!

I used to say that I didn’t want kids.

Which was what my mom decided to share with Andy over the weekend. In front of my kid, who I really definitely wanted and want more than anything else in the world.

The truth is, I always wanted kids. I was pretty sure I couldn’t have kids. I was 100% convinced that I was sterile. Even at my first scan my doctor remarked on the fact that with the thingy I have going on in my plumbing I’m actually supposed to be sterile. I was not surprised. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I definitely knew something was.

It is much easier to say you don’t want kids than to say you can’t have kids. It makes you seem too-busy-for-this-shit instead of too-broken-for-this-miracle. If given an option I will always take the judgement of people who don’t actually know over their pity. You get it right? I’m full of shit…not weak.

I was pretty convincing in this lie I think. When I found out I was pregnant with Nicola, only my friend Simone’ knew straight away that I was so thrilled I could explode! In fact her words were, “Fantastic! This is what you always wanted.” where everyone else was, “Shit! How do you feel about it? What are you going to do, keep it or terminate?”

I was so convincing in my lie, that when Nicola was about a year old my mom once told me that I was doing much better at mothering than they ever thought I would, seeing as I didn’t actually ever want kids and that my parents were fully prepared to adopt Nicola and raise her themselves if it became obvious that I was a shit mother.

I am coasting over all of this, in what I hope is a lighthearted fashion…but there is an awful lot of hurt in these few paragraphs above.

Anyway, I couldn’t let Nicola hear that I never wanted kids and even for a second believe that it was true. So I came clean on why I actually said that. Hopefully this thing will now be forever put to bed.

Ps! Nicola, if you ever end up reading this one day and remember that discussion in the car…just know that you truly were a miracle and that I never wanted anyone or anything as much as I wanted you. Ever. You were a dream come true, and there has not been a single day since I threw up with morning sickness for the very first time that I have not been thrilled and thankful to have you in my life. Not even a single one. 

 

 

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The frogs

8 June , 2018

Interesting head space I find myself in this week…(interesting is code for terrible if you didn’t get it).

Truth be told I’m feeling very off kilter, and I’m reacting more than acting. It’s shit, I hate it, and I don’t plan on keeping myself in this limbo for long.

So after the navel gazing (now password protected) post from last week, I’m sort of better this week. If you can call head limbo a better place. Maybe by next week I’ll be fighting fit again (as a side note, I am actually considering taking up proper boxing for some tension relief).

Right, where to start…

I recreated my profile. I was really conflicted about doing this. As you know, my go-to-move is to go into hiding for 1-7 years, but this time I’m trying to do things differently. I don’t really think I will find “the one” if there really is such a creature in any event, but I figure it’s good for some laughs and maybe meeting a few interesting people along the way.

So far it has definitely been good for some laughs…also some WTF moments. I can’t see why I have to suffer through this alone, so I’m dragging you guys into this with me. Kicking and screaming if I have to.

This is probably as dressy as I’ll ever get. Just putting it out there. It’s been sort of fun to do the dressy bit, but I think it’s just because it’s out of the ordinary for me.

(So yeah, not a princess…)

This was a great cup of coffee, that almost made up for the company I had while drinking it.

(Almost a magic potion…)

I actually popped out to buy make up, and this spoke to me more. 😆

(My sort of glass slipper…)

Brace yourselves

Right…behold my collection of frogs! I’ve covered up everyone’s faces and names to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. I’m sure there are lots of people who could say really unflattering things about me too (they’ll have to do it on their own blogs though, this one is mine).

I’m just going to stick to the basics. I don’t actually have to explain much. You’ll see why…

This man has not given up on this just because of that little niggle though. He almost religiously keeps sending me messages every day.

A very serious pity about me having to cover up the face…the blue eyes on this one actually needs to come with a licence.

Unless the earth suddenly collapses in on itself and South Africa and Turkey end up neighbours, this isn’t going anywhere but odd penpals.

Also, very suspicious about why this isn’t an apparent problem for him.

(In a land far, far away…)

Uhuh… as you may have guessed, he really wanted the conversation to move over to whatsapp or any platform where he could send photos. Not for me, thanks though.

I hope he finds the audience he’s looking for.

(A magic wand?)

He wasn’t wrong. I made a typo. *gasp*

I don’t know. I just felt a bit under the spotlight after that, and kept re-reading my messages before sending them. The pressure was insane! Mwahaha.

It just took all the fun out of it really.

(I got nothing here…this one just made me feel stupid)

Met this one in person.

He had obviously been talking to numerous people, and he just couldn’t keep his info straight anymore. He kept asking me questions that he’s already asked me before. It really pissed me off actually. I got a bit short in my responses.

I wasn’t what he was expecting either, I gather.

I’m okay with that.

(Gaston-ish)

Chatting was marvelous with him. And he has a voice that can melt butter, seriously.

I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I’m not his cup of tea. He’s looking for someone short. He wants to date a pixie.

I am many things to many people, but I am definitely not short. Or a pixie.

(Peter pan?)

Observations

  • I am coming into this business way too emotional I think, I’m going to slow down and do some hard thinking.
  • The chatting, even the bad chatting, is good and I’m enjoying it, but the moment I meet anyone in person I throw up walls like someone triggered all the booby traps in my tomb – I think there’s a message in that for me
  • I am pretending to be more girly-girl than I actually am. Why the actual fuck am I doing that?! I can’t decide if it’s that I want to just be a bit fabulous, instead of a bit strong…or if I think people will react better to this side of me than the one I usually present. Could be a bit of both I guess?
  • A very very long time ago…during sales training… this one genius told me that customers will always ask the same question, and it will always be the one you can’t answer. It’s because they hear it in your voice, they know where to find the uncertain part and they zoom in on it like heat seeking missiles. Once you can answer that question, no one will ever ask you to answer it again. Frogs are also like this I think. They know – somehow, they just know.
  • So far, the biggest thing I’m getting from this is a unique glimpse at myself and what makes me tick. It is not an altogether pleasant experience.
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Protected: Release

29 May , 2018

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Warm and fuzzies

28 May , 2018

Isn’t that a lovely message to receive?

I’m going to keep this handy for days that I don’t think I’m doing well at the mothering gig at all…or you know, for when she’s a teenager and possibly (temporarily I hope) hates my guts.

I know I don’t always get it 100% right, but I am always trying my best. That has to count for something.

Thanks Hermien for making my day with this beautiful message. Other than the warm and fuzzy that I’ll save for a day where she tells me I’m not her friend anymore, this message has also reminded me that when you see something special or beautiful in someone else you should speak it. It may mean more to them than you can ever imagine!

Oddly enough, this morning when we said goodbye at school drop off, my thoughts were that this must be the most unconditional love I have ever received from anyone. I am one lucky mamma! My daughter really does consider me her hero, and we have the BEST relationship between us. We can, and do, talk about everything and anything.

I have always, and will always be team Nicola. My little miracle.

Haha, sorry guys. I’m feeling very mush tonight…normal tough cookie programming will resume shortly. Hang in there.

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Protected: Auribus teneo lupum

25 May , 2018

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Hindsight is 20/20

23 April , 2018

I shared my blog address with someone new recently, and you know after about 12 years of blogging you sort of forget all the stuff that you’ve put “out there”. (May the force be with anyone who has the tenacity to sift through 12 years of my rambling anyway!)

I thought I better coast through and remind myself as well, of all the things I wrote (well I got through about 4 years before I wanted to give myself a mental shake).

How do you guys stomach it?! All I ever bloody write about is how tired I am!

Sorry, hahaha – apparently I’ve been f-ing exhausted for a very long time. No more okay? 😉