Archive for the ‘Talks with myself’ Category

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Words of wisdom – Home Affairs Edition

29 May , 2019

Yesterday, Spiggy and I got to spend some quality time at Home Affairs. I took a day’s leave to attend a friend’s funeral, and we decided to “pop” in while we had a bit of time to see if our marriage has been registered at last. There is A BOAT LOAD of paperwork that’s all in limbo waiting for this little thing to happen.

Happy days! It finally was registered! We got to stand in many many queues and shared laughs with many many people also enjoying the day out in the stuffy Births, Deaths and Marriages waiting line.

One very worked up lady was trying to get some sort of proof that she was now classified as a widow, 19 months after her husband passed away. Her pension payments are quite dependent on it. Anyhoo, once she realised that Andy was German she was delighted and rattled off quite a bit at a super fast pace. I can’t speak it (yet), but I can understand a fair amount (when people aren’t going at a mile a minute – then I only catch keywords here and there).

She was at some point talking about Germany and she said (I double checked this with Andy of course): Es gibt kein schlechtes wetter nur unangemessenes bekleidungsangebot, which means There is no bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.

I like this. A lot.

I think it can be applied to many things other than the weather too. Words to live by really.

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Tiny ramble – bits and pieces

21 May , 2019

I told J (my new-ish manager) that Nicola just loved to play or read her Harry Potter book on the sculpture bench whenever they get here a few minutes early in the afternoon to pick me up. So he asked if I could send him some photos.

For my on again off again tummy troubles I thought I’d have some Rosehip tea (did actually make a BIG difference). Haha, I wanted to show you how red this stuff is, and maybe a tag “Blood of my enemies”or something…sadly it does not photograph well, but it’s pretty bloody red – take my word for it.

Also, I’m definitely sick and not pregnant. 😉

I bet the school gardener must be “delighted” that the kids do this. I’d tan their hides if they were mine…

This must be the blurriest photos I’ve taken since I went digital. In my defense I was literally running out the door on my way to work this morning and it was still sort of dark-ish when I spotted our first sunflower opening! By the time I get home again it will probably be fully open.

Spotted this bunny on the bridge this morning – so cute! A very serious bunny early in the morning.

Other than the pics, what can I tell you? Mmmm?

Well, we took on a major decluttering exercise this week. We went through all our things in storage and at home, and donated about 12 black bags full of stuff, and we’re in the process of selling a whole bunch of things too. This is no doubt round 1 of many as we slowly start to whittle away on our wordly belongings.  Eventually we will be left with a few sentimentals that we can squish into a box or a suitcase and lug halfway across the world.

It’s not as hard as I thought it would be to let go of things. Well, we haven’t really gotten to my preciouses yet hahaha. Wish me luck for the next round!

Andy and I had a disagreement about Dubai. Of all the things! Not serious, and after a year I guess it was bound to happen that we would eventually find something that we definitely don’t agree on. And Dubai was it!

Nicola was asking Andy a whole bunch of questions about Dubai, and he said “You’ll see, one day we’ll go vacation there”. And I said, “No we won’t”. And he said, “Yes. We will.” and I said, “No. We won’t.” We parked it after Andy was trying to tell me how cool it was there, and I said other than the sand and the very un-cool heat, the other major thing there is shopping, which I’m not into anyway – so no thanks. We both grumped a bit about it, haha…we were tired and hungry, and sore after sorting through many many boxes and things, which might explain a lot.

Of course that night I had the most horrible dream about bloody Dubai. Obviously I know it’s “a bit” far fetched and unlikely to happen, but I really do not want to go there. In fact if I can avoid flying through it I will. (I don’t care if you’ve been there and you love it bla-bla-bla. I don’t want anything to do with it).

I dreamt we went there with Andy. We were walking around and Nicola saw a plate of cookies that were left out and thought they were samples. She took one, but it turned out they were not samples and they accused her of theft. They wanted to chop her hand off, and I was trying to defend her and reason with them. In the end they did chop her hand off and I got public lashings for interfering. I asked if I could have the hand back, thinking maybe I could get someone to attach it again for her, and they threw it in the fire in front of me. It was HORRIBLE and very traumatic! Screaming, crying and lots of tears from both of us. Just holding her and her bloody little stump, watching that hand burn.

Then I woke up.

We’ve agreed (Andy and I) that we’ll come up with vacation spots together – places that we both want to see. And Dubai is not on the list. Although we might fly through it at some point.

When I look at Nicola’s dainty little hands I can still see the one dancing in the fire. Sheesh, I sometimes have some messed up nightmares. Eeeeep! Probably a bit of anxiety in there about being helpless and fear of the unknown. I know. I know. 😉

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Protected: Voting Day tomorrow…meh

7 May , 2019

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Catch up: A few of my favourite photos over the last month

17 February , 2019

Our first babies to go to Aqua Empire!

We have a very tiny house, and half of it is full of fish tanks now. Andy is in Nicola’s words, a fish-genius! So they’re all doing very well.

It’s a bit of a sideline thing for us now. We breed mollies, guppies, swordtails, platys and german rams.

My heart…

Polka doing her daily impersonation of a cat…or a snake. We now call her a Yorkshire-python.

Photo-bomb by the psycopath goldfish. We thought this fish was pretty much indestructible, in the case of nuclear war it would be this fish and the cockroaches left.

Sadly he went to the big toilet bowl in the sky yesterday…so if I was a cockroach I’d start to worry now.

He ate the babies so he got himself booted to a vase.

Fearless Nicola.

Okay, to be fair, this dog follows her around with stars in his eyes whenever we go to Aqua Empire.

Oupa, Reghardt and Jessie.

My spiggy gets his eyes tested.

Special treat for Nicola. A night out and movies!

Lunch with Denise and family and the Zambezi Harley Club.

Polkie the yorkshire-python.

Can you believe how quickly this pink terrorist (who does not like pink at all anymore!) is growing up?!

I’m not ready…

What the sky has looked like most of this month.

I love rain, but it would also be nice to get the laundry dry for a change.

I tried to take a photo of the lights in the plane for Nicola, but a small airpocket gave me this gem instead.

My punks…German rams. They are so damn cute! Lots of attitude. I could sit and watch them for hours…if I had hours.

Our tanks. The last one is our general creche for the non-exotics. We’ve split them into small, medium and large. So that the bigger ones don’t chomp the new borns.

When they’re just born all you can see is eyes and assholes, and even their own moms think they’re perfect snack size.

Polkie cuddles. This one is a expert level blanket thief!

So, there you go…photo catch up done. 🙂

After my doom and gloom of no car January, I am again in a pretty excellent head space at the moment.

Slight wobble yesterday when I attended my great-aunt’s funeral. My mom’s cousin has three daughters. One lives in Australia and couldn’t come for her grandmother’s funeral. They read a letter from her after the service where she also explained the send of ceremony and goodbye they did for her gran there.

It really got to me. This will be us soon, when my brother goes. It sucks.

At the time I was a bit of a mess and I was a bit emo about it all day. Even had another snot-en-trane episode about it on Andy’s shoulder last night.

This morning, well rested and on my second coffee, I point out to myself that very often my brother actually doesn’t attend family funerals anyway. And Skype makes the world a much smaller place.

We will make our own new normal.

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Things are not always what they appear to be

2 July , 2018

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Ever wear a mask, or hide behind a lie? Sure you have – I’m pretty sure everyone has at some point or another.

One of mine, so old that I haven’t even thought about it in soooo many years, popped up over the weekend. It was time to set the record straight I guess.

See, many moons ago…pre-Nicola obviously (you’ll see why this is obvious in a second…just bear with me), my mom was always hounding my brother and I about her desperate need to be a grandmother. On every occasion she got. Everywhere and in front of anyone. Really…non  stop. She used to tell people if she wanted to be a grandmother she would have to have the babies herself!

I used to say that I didn’t want kids.

Which was what my mom decided to share with Andy over the weekend. In front of my kid, who I really definitely wanted and want more than anything else in the world.

The truth is, I always wanted kids. I was pretty sure I couldn’t have kids. I was 100% convinced that I was sterile. Even at my first scan my doctor remarked on the fact that with the thingy I have going on in my plumbing I’m actually supposed to be sterile. I was not surprised. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I definitely knew something was.

It is much easier to say you don’t want kids than to say you can’t have kids. It makes you seem too-busy-for-this-shit instead of too-broken-for-this-miracle. If given an option I will always take the judgement of people who don’t actually know over their pity. You get it right? I’m full of shit…not weak.

I was pretty convincing in this lie I think. When I found out I was pregnant with Nicola, only my friend Simone’ knew straight away that I was so thrilled I could explode! In fact her words were, “Fantastic! This is what you always wanted.” where everyone else was, “Shit! How do you feel about it? What are you going to do, keep it or terminate?”

I was so convincing in my lie, that when Nicola was about a year old my mom once told me that I was doing much better at mothering than they ever thought I would, seeing as I didn’t actually ever want kids and that my parents were fully prepared to adopt Nicola and raise her themselves if it became obvious that I was a shit mother.

I am coasting over all of this, in what I hope is a lighthearted fashion…but there is an awful lot of hurt in these few paragraphs above.

Anyway, I couldn’t let Nicola hear that I never wanted kids and even for a second believe that it was true. So I came clean on why I actually said that. Hopefully this thing will now be forever put to bed.

Ps! Nicola, if you ever end up reading this one day and remember that discussion in the car…just know that you truly were a miracle and that I never wanted anyone or anything as much as I wanted you. Ever. You were a dream come true, and there has not been a single day since I threw up with morning sickness for the very first time that I have not been thrilled and thankful to have you in my life. Not even a single one. 

 

 

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The frogs

8 June , 2018

Interesting head space I find myself in this week…(interesting is code for terrible if you didn’t get it).

Truth be told I’m feeling very off kilter, and I’m reacting more than acting. It’s shit, I hate it, and I don’t plan on keeping myself in this limbo for long.

So after the navel gazing (now password protected) post from last week, I’m sort of better this week. If you can call head limbo a better place. Maybe by next week I’ll be fighting fit again (as a side note, I am actually considering taking up proper boxing for some tension relief).

Right, where to start…

I recreated my profile. I was really conflicted about doing this. As you know, my go-to-move is to go into hiding for 1-7 years, but this time I’m trying to do things differently. I don’t really think I will find “the one” if there really is such a creature in any event, but I figure it’s good for some laughs and maybe meeting a few interesting people along the way.

So far it has definitely been good for some laughs…also some WTF moments. I can’t see why I have to suffer through this alone, so I’m dragging you guys into this with me. Kicking and screaming if I have to.

This is probably as dressy as I’ll ever get. Just putting it out there. It’s been sort of fun to do the dressy bit, but I think it’s just because it’s out of the ordinary for me.

(So yeah, not a princess…)

This was a great cup of coffee, that almost made up for the company I had while drinking it.

(Almost a magic potion…)

I actually popped out to buy make up, and this spoke to me more. 😆

(My sort of glass slipper…)

Brace yourselves

Right…behold my collection of frogs! I’ve covered up everyone’s faces and names to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. I’m sure there are lots of people who could say really unflattering things about me too (they’ll have to do it on their own blogs though, this one is mine).

I’m just going to stick to the basics. I don’t actually have to explain much. You’ll see why…

This man has not given up on this just because of that little niggle though. He almost religiously keeps sending me messages every day.

A very serious pity about me having to cover up the face…the blue eyes on this one actually needs to come with a licence.

Unless the earth suddenly collapses in on itself and South Africa and Turkey end up neighbours, this isn’t going anywhere but odd penpals.

Also, very suspicious about why this isn’t an apparent problem for him.

(In a land far, far away…)

Uhuh… as you may have guessed, he really wanted the conversation to move over to whatsapp or any platform where he could send photos. Not for me, thanks though.

I hope he finds the audience he’s looking for.

(A magic wand?)

He wasn’t wrong. I made a typo. *gasp*

I don’t know. I just felt a bit under the spotlight after that, and kept re-reading my messages before sending them. The pressure was insane! Mwahaha.

It just took all the fun out of it really.

(I got nothing here…this one just made me feel stupid)

Met this one in person.

He had obviously been talking to numerous people, and he just couldn’t keep his info straight anymore. He kept asking me questions that he’s already asked me before. It really pissed me off actually. I got a bit short in my responses.

I wasn’t what he was expecting either, I gather.

I’m okay with that.

(Gaston-ish)

Chatting was marvelous with him. And he has a voice that can melt butter, seriously.

I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I’m not his cup of tea. He’s looking for someone short. He wants to date a pixie.

I am many things to many people, but I am definitely not short. Or a pixie.

(Peter pan?)

Observations

  • I am coming into this business way too emotional I think, I’m going to slow down and do some hard thinking.
  • The chatting, even the bad chatting, is good and I’m enjoying it, but the moment I meet anyone in person I throw up walls like someone triggered all the booby traps in my tomb – I think there’s a message in that for me
  • I am pretending to be more girly-girl than I actually am. Why the actual fuck am I doing that?! I can’t decide if it’s that I want to just be a bit fabulous, instead of a bit strong…or if I think people will react better to this side of me than the one I usually present. Could be a bit of both I guess?
  • A very very long time ago…during sales training… this one genius told me that customers will always ask the same question, and it will always be the one you can’t answer. It’s because they hear it in your voice, they know where to find the uncertain part and they zoom in on it like heat seeking missiles. Once you can answer that question, no one will ever ask you to answer it again. Frogs are also like this I think. They know – somehow, they just know.
  • So far, the biggest thing I’m getting from this is a unique glimpse at myself and what makes me tick. It is not an altogether pleasant experience.
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Protected: Release

29 May , 2018

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