Archive for the ‘Rambling’ Category

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Happy Birthday to me!

8 August , 2018

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The big FOUR-OOOOOOoooh…

Can you believe it? I can hardy believe it myself. To be honest, for a large part of my life I was pretty sure I would never get here. Interesting things always happen to me, it usually doesn’t make for a long life. I don’t know why, but I was convinced I’d be dead before I hit 40.

I am glad I was wrong though, because I am really enjoying still being alive! I might be enjoying it more than most of what has come before it. Life is GRAND! I can’t wait to see what happens next. 😀

Interesting things still happen to me, but it looks like I have a knack for surviving them somehow – so I guess I’m here to stay.

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What am I doing to celebrate this milestone?

Not much really – haha! I’m having my brother-bear and his peeps over for dinner tonight, and possibly playing a little hooky from work today (there’s no “possible” about this really – I’m definitely doing that!).

I did have plans to go to the forest and surround myself with green and peace and quiet for a couple of days, but it didn’t work out the way I wanted to so I’ll have to take a rain check on that adventure. It’s okay though, I’m not stressed about it in the least.

What I’m not doing is having a party. It’s not really my thing anyway, why should this birthday be different? Some of my friends are going to be really pissed about this. Love you guys lots, but enjoy you most in one on ones, not large crowds. 😉

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It’s my day, and I am seizing it!

I am going to have some laughs and take it easy…and do whatever the hell I want to…

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And take a few moments to count all my blessings…because I so have MANY!

Thank you all for being part of my journey.

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Words of wisdom 29-07-2018

29 July , 2018

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I am especially enjoying this quote today. Lots of big decisions coming up…chaos is imminent!

You know me though, I’ve never been afraid to take a big leap when one is called for. 😉 One might even say I enjoy it…

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Too true, isn’t it?

It makes me think of two other quotes that I think I may have used before. The one is something along the lines of just remember history is one sides because it’s written by the winners, and the other one said something like war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left after the fight…or something like that. You get the idea.

All very similar really.

 

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Mine

10 July , 2018

These two are getting on like a house on fire now, and I couldn’t be happier.

When I see my daughter relax and trust someone, let them in instead of maintaining a cautious distance for a change, it does my heart good. I think 8 is too young to be jaded about people’s intentions, and I hate to think that I might be the cause of that inherent distrust.

So this is my Nicola and my Andy, or Andreas as he is not known. I am so happy I could burst. 😀

He seems to get on well with most of my family too, except my mom. I’m sure she’ll come around in time, if Nicola got her inherent distrust from anyone it’s probably my mom and not me. If you know my kid at all, you’ll know that once she’s decided that she likes and trusts you, that you’re part of “her people” she’ll go to war for you without hesitation. Her fierce loyalty is really quite remarkable and awe inspiring when you see it in action.

On Sunday she went to war for Andy.

My mom was giving me a hard time about him, and out nowhere Nicola piped up, “Ouma, don’t you want my mom to be happy? Andy makes her happy…and he’s nice.” I don’t know who was more surprised, me or my mom.

It’s been super awkward around here since then as you can probably imagine. I hate living with this atmosphere hanging over everything. I really hope that things smooth over soon, I’m running out of beta blockers and I’d really like to stay calm.

I may have mentioned it once or twice before in other posts. I’m almost 40 years old, how the hell did I end up in a position where people think that they can still make my decisions for me, and treat me like a child?! Weigh in if you must, but don’t be a jerk about it. I too have lots of opinions about how other people should live their lives, but I keep those to myself because it’s not my decision to make.

It’ll work out in the end, I’m sure. One way or another. Wish me luck guys.

Did you ever have something similar happen to you, and how did you handle it?

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Things are not always what they appear to be

2 July , 2018

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Ever wear a mask, or hide behind a lie? Sure you have – I’m pretty sure everyone has at some point or another.

One of mine, so old that I haven’t even thought about it in soooo many years, popped up over the weekend. It was time to set the record straight I guess.

See, many moons ago…pre-Nicola obviously (you’ll see why this is obvious in a second…just bear with me), my mom was always hounding my brother and I about her desperate need to be a grandmother. On every occasion she got. Everywhere and in front of anyone. Really…non  stop. She used to tell people if she wanted to be a grandmother she would have to have the babies herself!

I used to say that I didn’t want kids.

Which was what my mom decided to share with Andy over the weekend. In front of my kid, who I really definitely wanted and want more than anything else in the world.

The truth is, I always wanted kids. I was pretty sure I couldn’t have kids. I was 100% convinced that I was sterile. Even at my first scan my doctor remarked on the fact that with the thingy I have going on in my plumbing I’m actually supposed to be sterile. I was not surprised. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I definitely knew something was.

It is much easier to say you don’t want kids than to say you can’t have kids. It makes you seem too-busy-for-this-shit instead of too-broken-for-this-miracle. If given an option I will always take the judgement of people who don’t actually know over their pity. You get it right? I’m full of shit…not weak.

I was pretty convincing in this lie I think. When I found out I was pregnant with Nicola, only my friend Simone’ knew straight away that I was so thrilled I could explode! In fact her words were, “Fantastic! This is what you always wanted.” where everyone else was, “Shit! How do you feel about it? What are you going to do, keep it or terminate?”

I was so convincing in my lie, that when Nicola was about a year old my mom once told me that I was doing much better at mothering than they ever thought I would, seeing as I didn’t actually ever want kids and that my parents were fully prepared to adopt Nicola and raise her themselves if it became obvious that I was a shit mother.

I am coasting over all of this, in what I hope is a lighthearted fashion…but there is an awful lot of hurt in these few paragraphs above.

Anyway, I couldn’t let Nicola hear that I never wanted kids and even for a second believe that it was true. So I came clean on why I actually said that. Hopefully this thing will now be forever put to bed.

Ps! Nicola, if you ever end up reading this one day and remember that discussion in the car…just know that you truly were a miracle and that I never wanted anyone or anything as much as I wanted you. Ever. You were a dream come true, and there has not been a single day since I threw up with morning sickness for the very first time that I have not been thrilled and thankful to have you in my life. Not even a single one. 

 

 

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Reflections

1 July , 2018

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What a week!

Secret place shenanigans

Work is INSANE at the moment…in a time that is usually quieter for us. I can see everyone is just as tired as I am, some are acting out a bit but lets just blame the winter-meh? My week has consisted of fighting fires all day, every day. It’s a remote virtual office setup, so all fire fighting is done via email and phone. I have had my phone on charge almost constantly and still manage to run down the battery to single digits 2 to 3 times a day!

And then on Friday I was asked to start thinking about how to automate my function…Mwahahaha! I’m now convinced that some people have no idea what I actually do around here. If any of you know how to automate herding cats, or whipping people into shape without actually breaking them at the same time, let me know what tool you’re using. I’d love to give it a bash and free up some breathing space.

Home and heart

Nicola is doing great! She’s at holiday care most days, mostly because they follow a good structured but entertaining program there and if she stays home she’ll be in the tablet and youtube 24/7. I’m not on leave, so I can’t entertain her all day for three weeks of school holidays.

There was some upheaval with broken pedals and training wheels on her bicycle, and I finally convinced her we need to get a bigger bike…with no training wheels. She has been resisting this move for the last 2 years at least – so big step in the right direction!

We can now be seen up and downing in the road a couple of times a day trying to get the hang of balance without assistance. This new bike is going to be great for my health I guess? Andy and I are the training wheels at the moment so doing a lot of f-ing running! (Usually I only run for spiders).

Love

As you may or may not have guessed from my previous post, I have met someone very special.

He is extremely honest about anything that might make you run for the hills or judge him, right from the word go…but if you don’t….you will discover someone so sweet and caring that it will knock your socks off!

I am not worried about dark and twisty pasts. I have one too. Honesty is like a drug to me, I can’t get enough of it.

I love that he makes the effort to be in our lives every single day. He allows Nicola to approach him at her own pace…which is cautious and slow (she did make him a lovely avatar of himself yesterday, as she thought he would look as a girl in a purple dress), and he makes me laugh uncontrollably, when he’s not making me lose my train of thought with his amazing kisses, sometimes he does both at the same time.

And I trust him…which is not a small thing for me.

What we don’t have in common is taste in music, hahaha. That’s okay. I can live with that. Also, if I want any chance of actually talking to his father other than saying, “Hi” I will probably have to learn some German.

Other

A couple of months ago my brother bear and SIL told us that they are considering moving to Australia.

It’s not great. It’s terrible! I can’t imagine living in a different country than my brother! I get it though. Things are not exactly going well here in South Africa. At that point I suggested that we should then maybe all look at going.

As it turned out, I can’t get in on permanent residence, the longest I can find a legal way to be there is for two years. There is not even a slim chance in hell that I would uproot Nicola and drag her halfway across the world for two years (and have you seen the spiders there! Eeep!).

So Oz is out for me. They are busy with their process, and it looks like they should be fine. The only chance my folks have of getting in is if Riaan and Karen sponsor them after two years to do so. Which is a pretty expensive exercise, but not impossible.

Where does that leave Nicola and I? Well I guess we either have to look at another place, or make this one work for us. I’m leaning on just staying, because I don’t actually want to go anyway. I just want South Africa to start moving towards the amazing place I think it can be, instead of this cluster fuck of crime and chaos that it is at the moment.

My dad dragged me to an emigration seminar on Wednesday for New Zealand. Looks like it might be considerably easier finding your way in there…but I’m not really sure I actually want to live there to begin with.

On the up side, with his qualifications and experience, they are pretty confident that they’d be able to get the age restriction waved for him…this means that my parents will have another option independently. This means a lot to my dad I think, when you’re used to leading the way it’s a tough pill to swallow that your only option is hitching your wagon to someone else’s star to get where you want to go.

How awful would it be if we all end up in different countries at the end of this? I guess what is meant to be, will be. If that happens I need to find a way to get ridiculously wealthy, so that we can go visit everyone wherever they end up.

Getting filthy rich doesn’t look like it’s going to happen where I work now…but I’ve been asked to try my hand at writing erotica. It is harder than you think! Hahaha, oooooh oooooh sooooo hard! If you have any ideas on a good nom de plume I can use for this, let me know.

Okay, that’s a wrap from me for this week…what the hell have you guys been up to?

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Protected: Release

29 May , 2018

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Warm and fuzzies

28 May , 2018

Isn’t that a lovely message to receive?

I’m going to keep this handy for days that I don’t think I’m doing well at the mothering gig at all…or you know, for when she’s a teenager and possibly (temporarily I hope) hates my guts.

I know I don’t always get it 100% right, but I am always trying my best. That has to count for something.

Thanks Hermien for making my day with this beautiful message. Other than the warm and fuzzy that I’ll save for a day where she tells me I’m not her friend anymore, this message has also reminded me that when you see something special or beautiful in someone else you should speak it. It may mean more to them than you can ever imagine!

Oddly enough, this morning when we said goodbye at school drop off, my thoughts were that this must be the most unconditional love I have ever received from anyone. I am one lucky mamma! My daughter really does consider me her hero, and we have the BEST relationship between us. We can, and do, talk about everything and anything.

I have always, and will always be team Nicola. My little miracle.

Haha, sorry guys. I’m feeling very mush tonight…normal tough cookie programming will resume shortly. Hang in there.