Archive for the ‘Rambling’ Category

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And then?

4 October , 2018

So…

Yesterday I went for that mammogram I told you about. In the week of having this situation hanging over my head my boob has just been acting stranger every day and taking my freaked-out-ness to previously unknown levels in the process!

I found the actual mammogram process the least painful/uncomfortable of everything I went through yesterday. If you haven’t been for one yet, don’t let pancake talk deter you…it’s not that bad at all.

Nothing odd found on the mammogram, and they followed it up with a sonar looking at everything breast and in particular at the area that was worrying me.

Not great news unfortunately. There was an unknown spot of something behind the nipple, about 2cm in diameter. This part was uncomfortable, but more due to this thing than the actual sonar obviously.

My stress levels were OFF THE CHARTS at this point and I was working my way through their supply of tissues.

The doc said next step was to try and asperate (this means sticking a needle in there and trying to draw out fluid). If it was an abscess then they’d do this and treat with antibiotics. If not then she would proceed to do a biopsy of whatever it was with a different tool.

The asperation attempt was insanely painful and completely unsuccesful. Not an abscess, no liquid. I grabbed the doctors wrists in reflex, which really made the nurse very jumpy.

More local anesthetic and then on to the biopsy part of this nightmare…

I should have the results back by Friday or latest Monday. The boob is SORE, not only from my mystery guest but also now the incision and the bruising. The medical staff at Millpark Radiology are amazing though, they really took good care of me and tried to keep me calm and sort of comfortable throughout the whole 2 hour ordeal.

Today I’m starting my new job. I hope I can keep my head clear enough to enjoy my first day and to rise to the new challenges.

Keep praying for me please, not sure for what other than some sort of easily sorted out result.

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Let me catch you up…

11 September , 2018

What a month!

I have had the best time ever. Seriously, so many changes in such a short time – but all of them good, so complaints from me.

Firstly, on the work front I have done something that I have never done before. Applied for positions while still employed, hahaha! Every single job I have ever started has been as either a temp or a contractor and then they decided to keep me. So a big first for me. I am starting in my new position in October, and I am very excited about it.

Secondly, on the home front we have moved in with Andy. We all moved into his garden cottage, so it is TIGHT…or if you’re being generous it is cosey, but it is filled to the brim with love and laughs and all three of us are doing great with the new living arrangements. The plan is to look into a bigger place early next year.

That’s the major highlights in a nutshell…now for some of my favourite pictures over the last month.

Cuddle puddle at a visit to my cousin…

Nicola, trying her hand at Sims on an old built up computer…

 

Lets just say I didn’t miss my calling as a dog groomer…Polka, sporting a seriously layered look. I was tired of sorting out “passengers” out of her winter woolies. Every second day the seasons seem to change their mind around here, so I haven’t taken her to the parlour yet for her serious spring shave. Interim haircut…check!

Birthday party for my old boarding school roommate…

Hahaha, definitely my baby…

Lofty and I…love you buddy!

This is my daughter who does not like hugging people! She has decided Andy belongs to her too. These two, just make my heart mush to see them together.

So serious…

Look, I was also there! Birthday party for my friend Fluffbunny…

New bed bought selfie… ๐Ÿ˜‰

The school’s box car day…

More fun at the box car day. They had water slides for the kids too, if you were a bit confused about the swim suit.

My dad after his serious spring shave…he had received a few enquiries for Christmas bookings at this point already, hahaha!

Moving day…it’s a jungle out there! Just part of my portable garden. I still actually have 3 or 4 pots to move.

Our office…

So cute…I love this!

Nicola has really blossomed. Without prompting she washes dishes, makes coffee (first time ever and it was STRONG as she decided two spoons coffee was the way to go!). It makes me really happy to see her gaining self confidence to do things herself, even when she doesn’t get it 100% first time every time.

This kid is a speed reader! She grabbed one of my Harry Potter books off the bookshelf and half an hour later she was about 80 pages deep into it.

We have a mother-trucking HUGE bee hive in the roof! I stepped on one. My poor toe looked like a little sausage for two days. If all goes according to plan they will relocate them this week. If all works out to desire, we will get some honey out of this in the process too…yumm!

On our way to a meeting…

Me and my Bfly, after the meeting…

Some selfies with a few of my amazing team members. These guys…I’m really going to miss them.

Nicola is man down with some bacterial airway infection. She has more or less been asleep and at 40’C for three days now. Poor baby, wish I could take it on on her behalf.

I had a rip roaring scuffle with the bloody medical aid about the meds the doctor prescribed on Monday. I pay R4223 per month for us to be on medical aid, and they won’t bloody pay for the cough syrup because it has cortisone in it, and the spectacular co-payments because I won’t be painted into a generic corner was also ridiculous. I have money available in my day-to-day benefits…thousand…and they won’t pay. Assholes. I let them have it!

Not fucking impressed. I am now in the market for a proper medical aid for next year. Suggestions welcome.

Truly, it was a super blue Monday. Sick Nicola, and then my car’s battery decided to unceremoniously die. Grrr…

My hibiscus plant flashing me hearts last night. It obviously saw I needed a little pick me up.

How are you all doing?

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Happy Birthday to me!

8 August , 2018

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The big FOUR-OOOOOOoooh…

Can you believe it? I can hardy believe it myself. To be honest, for a large part of my life I was pretty sure I would never get here. Interesting things always happen to me, it usually doesn’t make for a long life. I don’t know why, but I was convinced I’d be dead before I hit 40.

I am glad I was wrong though, because I am really enjoying still being alive! I might be enjoying it more than most of what has come before it. Life is GRAND! I can’t wait to see what happens next. ๐Ÿ˜€

Interesting things still happen to me, but it looks like I have a knack for surviving them somehow – so I guess I’m here to stay.

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What am I doing to celebrate this milestone?

Not much really – haha! I’m having my brother-bear and his peeps over for dinner tonight, and possibly playing a little hooky from work today (there’s no “possible” about this really – I’m definitely doing that!).

I did have plans to go to the forest and surround myself with green and peace and quiet for a couple of days, but it didn’t work out the way I wanted to so I’ll have to take a rain check on that adventure. It’s okay though, I’m not stressed about it in the least.

What I’m not doing is having a party. It’s not really my thing anyway, why should this birthday be different? Some of my friends are going to be really pissed about this. Love you guys lots, but enjoy you most in one on ones, not large crowds. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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It’s my day, and I am seizing it!

I am going to have some laughs and take it easy…and do whatever the hell I want to…

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And take a few moments to count all my blessings…because I so have MANY!

Thank you all for being part of my journey.

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Words of wisdom 29-07-2018

29 July , 2018

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I am especially enjoying this quote today. Lots of big decisions coming up…chaos is imminent!

You know me though, I’ve never been afraid to take a big leap when one is called for. ๐Ÿ˜‰ One might even say I enjoy it…

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Too true, isn’t it?

It makes me think of two other quotes that I think I may have used before. The one is something along the lines of just remember history is one sides because it’s written by the winners, and the other one said something like war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left after the fight…or something like that. You get the idea.

All very similar really.

 

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Mine

10 July , 2018

These two are getting on like a house on fire now, and I couldn’t be happier.

When I see my daughter relax and trust someone, let them in instead of maintaining a cautious distance for a change, it does my heart good. I think 8 is too young to be jaded about people’s intentions, and I hate to think that I might be the cause of that inherent distrust.

So this is my Nicola and my Andy, or Andreas as he is not known.ย I am so happy I could burst. ๐Ÿ˜€

He seems to get on well with most of my family too, except my mom. I’m sure she’ll come around in time, if Nicola got her inherent distrust from anyone it’s probably my mom and not me.ย If you know my kid at all, you’ll know that once she’s decided that she likes and trusts you, that you’re part of “her people” she’ll go to war for you without hesitation. Her fierce loyalty is really quite remarkable and awe inspiring when you see it in action.

On Sunday she went to war for Andy.

My mom was giving me a hard time about him, and out nowhere Nicola piped up, “Ouma, don’t you want my mom to be happy? Andy makes her happy…and he’s nice.” I don’t know who was more surprised, me or my mom.

It’s been super awkward around here since then as you can probably imagine. I hate living with this atmosphere hanging over everything. I really hope that things smooth over soon, I’m running out of beta blockers and I’d really like to stay calm.

I may have mentioned it once or twice before in other posts. I’m almost 40 years old, how the hell did I end up in a position where people think that they can still make my decisions for me, and treat me like a child?! Weigh in if you must, but don’t be a jerk about it.ย I too have lots of opinions about how other people should live their lives, but I keep those to myself because it’s not my decision to make.

It’ll work out in the end, I’m sure. One way or another. Wish me luck guys.

Did you ever have something similar happen to you, and how did you handle it?

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Things are not always what they appear to be

2 July , 2018

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Ever wear a mask, or hide behind a lie? Sure you have – I’m pretty sure everyone has at some point or another.

One of mine, so old that I haven’t even thought about it in soooo many years, popped up over the weekend. It was time to set the record straight I guess.

See, many moons ago…pre-Nicola obviously (you’ll see why this is obvious in a second…just bear with me), my mom was always hounding my brother and I about her desperate need to be a grandmother. On every occasion she got. Everywhere and in front of anyone. Really…nonย  stop. She used to tell people if she wanted to be a grandmother she would have to have the babies herself!

I used to say that I didn’t want kids.

Which was what my mom decided to share with Andy over the weekend. In front of my kid, who I really definitely wanted and want more than anything else in the world.

The truth is, I always wanted kids. I was pretty sure I couldn’t have kids. I was 100% convinced that I was sterile. Even at my first scan my doctor remarked on the fact that with the thingy I have going on in my plumbing I’m actually supposed to be sterile. I was not surprised. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I definitely knew something was.

It is much easier to say you don’t want kids than to say you can’t have kids. It makes you seem too-busy-for-this-shit instead of too-broken-for-this-miracle. If given an option I will always take the judgement of people who don’t actually know over their pity. You get it right? I’m full of shit…not weak.

I was pretty convincing in this lie I think. When I found out I was pregnant with Nicola, only my friend Simone’ knew straight away that I was so thrilled I could explode! In fact her words were, “Fantastic! This is what you always wanted.” where everyone else was, “Shit! How do you feel about it? What are you going to do, keep it or terminate?”

I was so convincing in my lie, that when Nicola was about a year old my mom once told me that I was doing much better at mothering than they ever thought I would, seeing as I didn’t actually ever want kids and that my parents were fully prepared to adopt Nicola and raise her themselves if it became obvious that I was a shit mother.

I am coasting over all of this, in what I hope is a lighthearted fashion…but there is an awful lot of hurt in these few paragraphs above.

Anyway, I couldn’t let Nicola hear that I never wanted kids and even for a second believe that it was true. So I came clean on why I actually said that. Hopefully this thing will now be forever put to bed.

Ps! Nicola, if you ever end up reading this one day and remember that discussion in the car…just know that you truly were a miracle and that I never wanted anyone or anything as much as I wanted you. Ever. You were a dream come true, and there has not been a single day since I threw up with morning sickness for the very first time that I have not been thrilled and thankful to have you in my life. Not even a single one.ย 

 

 

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Reflections

1 July , 2018

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What a week!

Secret place shenanigans

Work is INSANE at the moment…in a time that is usually quieter for us. I can see everyone is just as tired as I am, some are acting out a bit but lets just blame the winter-meh? My week has consisted of fighting fires all day, every day. It’s a remote virtual office setup, so all fire fighting is done via email and phone. I have had my phone on charge almost constantly and still manage to run down the battery to single digits 2 to 3 times a day!

And then on Friday I was asked to start thinking about how to automate my function…Mwahahaha! I’m now convinced that some people have no idea what I actually do around here. If any of you know how to automate herding cats, or whipping people into shape without actually breaking them at the same time, let me know what tool you’re using. I’d love to give it a bash and free up some breathing space.

Home and heart

Nicola is doing great! She’s at holiday care most days, mostly because they follow a good structured but entertaining program there and if she stays home she’ll be in the tablet and youtube 24/7. I’m not on leave, so I can’t entertain her all day for three weeks of school holidays.

There was some upheaval with broken pedals and training wheels on her bicycle, and I finally convinced her we need to get a bigger bike…with no training wheels. She has been resisting this move for the last 2 years at least – so big step in the right direction!

We can now be seen up and downing in the road a couple of times a day trying to get the hang of balance without assistance. This new bike is going to be great for my health I guess? Andy and I are the training wheels at the moment so doing a lot of f-ing running! (Usually I only run for spiders).

Love

As you may or may not have guessed from my previous post, I have met someone very special.

He is extremely honest about anything that might make you run for the hills or judge him, right from the word go…but if you don’t….you will discover someone so sweet and caring that it will knock your socks off!

I am not worried about dark and twisty pasts. I have one too. Honesty is like a drug to me, I can’t get enough of it.

I love that he makes the effort to be in our lives every single day. He allows Nicola to approach him at her own pace…which is cautious and slow (she did make him a lovely avatar of himself yesterday, as she thought he would look as a girl in a purple dress), and he makes me laugh uncontrollably, when he’s not making me lose my train of thought with his amazing kisses, sometimes he does both at the same time.

And I trust him…which is not a small thing for me.

What we don’t have in common is taste in music, hahaha. That’s okay. I can live with that. Also, if I want any chance of actually talking to his father other than saying, “Hi” I will probably have to learn some German.

Other

A couple of months ago my brother bear and SIL told us that they are considering moving to Australia.

It’s not great. It’s terrible! I can’t imagine living in a different country than my brother! I get it though. Things are not exactly going well here in South Africa. At that point I suggested that we should then maybe all look at going.

As it turned out, I can’t get in on permanent residence, the longest I can find a legal way to be there is for two years. There is not even a slim chance in hell that I would uproot Nicola and drag her halfway across the world for two years (and have you seen the spiders there! Eeep!).

So Oz is out for me. They are busy with their process, and it looks like they should be fine. The only chance my folks have of getting in is if Riaan and Karen sponsor them after two years to do so. Which is a pretty expensive exercise, but not impossible.

Where does that leave Nicola and I? Well I guess we either have to look at another place, or make this one work for us. I’m leaning on just staying, because I don’t actually want to go anyway. I just want South Africa to start moving towards the amazing place I think it can be, instead of this cluster fuck of crime and chaos that it is at the moment.

My dad dragged me to an emigration seminar on Wednesday for New Zealand. Looks like it might be considerably easier finding your way in there…but I’m not really sure I actually want to live there to begin with.

On the up side, with his qualifications and experience, they are pretty confident that they’d be able to get the age restriction waved for him…this means that my parents will have another option independently. This means a lot to my dad I think, when you’re used to leading the way it’s a tough pill to swallow that your only option is hitching your wagon to someone else’s star to get where you want to go.

How awful would it be if we all end up in different countries at the end of this? I guess what is meant to be, will be. If that happens I need to find a way to get ridiculously wealthy, so that we can go visit everyone wherever they end up.

Getting filthy rich doesn’t look like it’s going to happen where I work now…but I’ve been asked to try my hand at writing erotica. It is harder than you think! Hahaha, oooooh oooooh sooooo hard! If you have any ideas on a good nom de plume I can use for this, let me know.

Okay, that’s a wrap from me for this week…what the hell have you guys been up to?