Archive for the ‘Pfffft’ Category

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Oh Mammy…

27 September , 2018

Found a lump yesterday…booked for a squashing on the 3rd of October.

Not overly excited about this. Keep you fingers crossed for me please, or if it’s your thing pray.

I am low level FREAKING out!

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Let me catch you up…

11 September , 2018

What a month!

I have had the best time ever. Seriously, so many changes in such a short time – but all of them good, so complaints from me.

Firstly, on the work front I have done something that I have never done before. Applied for positions while still employed, hahaha! Every single job I have ever started has been as either a temp or a contractor and then they decided to keep me. So a big first for me. I am starting in my new position in October, and I am very excited about it.

Secondly, on the home front we have moved in with Andy. We all moved into his garden cottage, so it is TIGHT…or if you’re being generous it is cosey, but it is filled to the brim with love and laughs and all three of us are doing great with the new living arrangements. The plan is to look into a bigger place early next year.

That’s the major highlights in a nutshell…now for some of my favourite pictures over the last month.

Cuddle puddle at a visit to my cousin…

Nicola, trying her hand at Sims on an old built up computer…

 

Lets just say I didn’t miss my calling as a dog groomer…Polka, sporting a seriously layered look. I was tired of sorting out “passengers” out of her winter woolies. Every second day the seasons seem to change their mind around here, so I haven’t taken her to the parlour yet for her serious spring shave. Interim haircut…check!

Birthday party for my old boarding school roommate…

Hahaha, definitely my baby…

Lofty and I…love you buddy!

This is my daughter who does not like hugging people! She has decided Andy belongs to her too. These two, just make my heart mush to see them together.

So serious…

Look, I was also there! Birthday party for my friend Fluffbunny…

New bed bought selfie… 😉

The school’s box car day…

More fun at the box car day. They had water slides for the kids too, if you were a bit confused about the swim suit.

My dad after his serious spring shave…he had received a few enquiries for Christmas bookings at this point already, hahaha!

Moving day…it’s a jungle out there! Just part of my portable garden. I still actually have 3 or 4 pots to move.

Our office…

So cute…I love this!

Nicola has really blossomed. Without prompting she washes dishes, makes coffee (first time ever and it was STRONG as she decided two spoons coffee was the way to go!). It makes me really happy to see her gaining self confidence to do things herself, even when she doesn’t get it 100% first time every time.

This kid is a speed reader! She grabbed one of my Harry Potter books off the bookshelf and half an hour later she was about 80 pages deep into it.

We have a mother-trucking HUGE bee hive in the roof! I stepped on one. My poor toe looked like a little sausage for two days. If all goes according to plan they will relocate them this week. If all works out to desire, we will get some honey out of this in the process too…yumm!

On our way to a meeting…

Me and my Bfly, after the meeting…

Some selfies with a few of my amazing team members. These guys…I’m really going to miss them.

Nicola is man down with some bacterial airway infection. She has more or less been asleep and at 40’C for three days now. Poor baby, wish I could take it on on her behalf.

I had a rip roaring scuffle with the bloody medical aid about the meds the doctor prescribed on Monday. I pay R4223 per month for us to be on medical aid, and they won’t bloody pay for the cough syrup because it has cortisone in it, and the spectacular co-payments because I won’t be painted into a generic corner was also ridiculous. I have money available in my day-to-day benefits…thousand…and they won’t pay. Assholes. I let them have it!

Not fucking impressed. I am now in the market for a proper medical aid for next year. Suggestions welcome.

Truly, it was a super blue Monday. Sick Nicola, and then my car’s battery decided to unceremoniously die. Grrr…

My hibiscus plant flashing me hearts last night. It obviously saw I needed a little pick me up.

How are you all doing?

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Protected: Bad apples

30 July , 2018

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Mine

10 July , 2018

These two are getting on like a house on fire now, and I couldn’t be happier.

When I see my daughter relax and trust someone, let them in instead of maintaining a cautious distance for a change, it does my heart good. I think 8 is too young to be jaded about people’s intentions, and I hate to think that I might be the cause of that inherent distrust.

So this is my Nicola and my Andy, or Andreas as he is not known. I am so happy I could burst. 😀

He seems to get on well with most of my family too, except my mom. I’m sure she’ll come around in time, if Nicola got her inherent distrust from anyone it’s probably my mom and not me. If you know my kid at all, you’ll know that once she’s decided that she likes and trusts you, that you’re part of “her people” she’ll go to war for you without hesitation. Her fierce loyalty is really quite remarkable and awe inspiring when you see it in action.

On Sunday she went to war for Andy.

My mom was giving me a hard time about him, and out nowhere Nicola piped up, “Ouma, don’t you want my mom to be happy? Andy makes her happy…and he’s nice.” I don’t know who was more surprised, me or my mom.

It’s been super awkward around here since then as you can probably imagine. I hate living with this atmosphere hanging over everything. I really hope that things smooth over soon, I’m running out of beta blockers and I’d really like to stay calm.

I may have mentioned it once or twice before in other posts. I’m almost 40 years old, how the hell did I end up in a position where people think that they can still make my decisions for me, and treat me like a child?! Weigh in if you must, but don’t be a jerk about it. I too have lots of opinions about how other people should live their lives, but I keep those to myself because it’s not my decision to make.

It’ll work out in the end, I’m sure. One way or another. Wish me luck guys.

Did you ever have something similar happen to you, and how did you handle it?

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Things are not always what they appear to be

2 July , 2018

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Ever wear a mask, or hide behind a lie? Sure you have – I’m pretty sure everyone has at some point or another.

One of mine, so old that I haven’t even thought about it in soooo many years, popped up over the weekend. It was time to set the record straight I guess.

See, many moons ago…pre-Nicola obviously (you’ll see why this is obvious in a second…just bear with me), my mom was always hounding my brother and I about her desperate need to be a grandmother. On every occasion she got. Everywhere and in front of anyone. Really…non  stop. She used to tell people if she wanted to be a grandmother she would have to have the babies herself!

I used to say that I didn’t want kids.

Which was what my mom decided to share with Andy over the weekend. In front of my kid, who I really definitely wanted and want more than anything else in the world.

The truth is, I always wanted kids. I was pretty sure I couldn’t have kids. I was 100% convinced that I was sterile. Even at my first scan my doctor remarked on the fact that with the thingy I have going on in my plumbing I’m actually supposed to be sterile. I was not surprised. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I definitely knew something was.

It is much easier to say you don’t want kids than to say you can’t have kids. It makes you seem too-busy-for-this-shit instead of too-broken-for-this-miracle. If given an option I will always take the judgement of people who don’t actually know over their pity. You get it right? I’m full of shit…not weak.

I was pretty convincing in this lie I think. When I found out I was pregnant with Nicola, only my friend Simone’ knew straight away that I was so thrilled I could explode! In fact her words were, “Fantastic! This is what you always wanted.” where everyone else was, “Shit! How do you feel about it? What are you going to do, keep it or terminate?”

I was so convincing in my lie, that when Nicola was about a year old my mom once told me that I was doing much better at mothering than they ever thought I would, seeing as I didn’t actually ever want kids and that my parents were fully prepared to adopt Nicola and raise her themselves if it became obvious that I was a shit mother.

I am coasting over all of this, in what I hope is a lighthearted fashion…but there is an awful lot of hurt in these few paragraphs above.

Anyway, I couldn’t let Nicola hear that I never wanted kids and even for a second believe that it was true. So I came clean on why I actually said that. Hopefully this thing will now be forever put to bed.

Ps! Nicola, if you ever end up reading this one day and remember that discussion in the car…just know that you truly were a miracle and that I never wanted anyone or anything as much as I wanted you. Ever. You were a dream come true, and there has not been a single day since I threw up with morning sickness for the very first time that I have not been thrilled and thankful to have you in my life. Not even a single one. 

 

 

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Reflections

1 July , 2018

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What a week!

Secret place shenanigans

Work is INSANE at the moment…in a time that is usually quieter for us. I can see everyone is just as tired as I am, some are acting out a bit but lets just blame the winter-meh? My week has consisted of fighting fires all day, every day. It’s a remote virtual office setup, so all fire fighting is done via email and phone. I have had my phone on charge almost constantly and still manage to run down the battery to single digits 2 to 3 times a day!

And then on Friday I was asked to start thinking about how to automate my function…Mwahahaha! I’m now convinced that some people have no idea what I actually do around here. If any of you know how to automate herding cats, or whipping people into shape without actually breaking them at the same time, let me know what tool you’re using. I’d love to give it a bash and free up some breathing space.

Home and heart

Nicola is doing great! She’s at holiday care most days, mostly because they follow a good structured but entertaining program there and if she stays home she’ll be in the tablet and youtube 24/7. I’m not on leave, so I can’t entertain her all day for three weeks of school holidays.

There was some upheaval with broken pedals and training wheels on her bicycle, and I finally convinced her we need to get a bigger bike…with no training wheels. She has been resisting this move for the last 2 years at least – so big step in the right direction!

We can now be seen up and downing in the road a couple of times a day trying to get the hang of balance without assistance. This new bike is going to be great for my health I guess? Andy and I are the training wheels at the moment so doing a lot of f-ing running! (Usually I only run for spiders).

Love

As you may or may not have guessed from my previous post, I have met someone very special.

He is extremely honest about anything that might make you run for the hills or judge him, right from the word go…but if you don’t….you will discover someone so sweet and caring that it will knock your socks off!

I am not worried about dark and twisty pasts. I have one too. Honesty is like a drug to me, I can’t get enough of it.

I love that he makes the effort to be in our lives every single day. He allows Nicola to approach him at her own pace…which is cautious and slow (she did make him a lovely avatar of himself yesterday, as she thought he would look as a girl in a purple dress), and he makes me laugh uncontrollably, when he’s not making me lose my train of thought with his amazing kisses, sometimes he does both at the same time.

And I trust him…which is not a small thing for me.

What we don’t have in common is taste in music, hahaha. That’s okay. I can live with that. Also, if I want any chance of actually talking to his father other than saying, “Hi” I will probably have to learn some German.

Other

A couple of months ago my brother bear and SIL told us that they are considering moving to Australia.

It’s not great. It’s terrible! I can’t imagine living in a different country than my brother! I get it though. Things are not exactly going well here in South Africa. At that point I suggested that we should then maybe all look at going.

As it turned out, I can’t get in on permanent residence, the longest I can find a legal way to be there is for two years. There is not even a slim chance in hell that I would uproot Nicola and drag her halfway across the world for two years (and have you seen the spiders there! Eeep!).

So Oz is out for me. They are busy with their process, and it looks like they should be fine. The only chance my folks have of getting in is if Riaan and Karen sponsor them after two years to do so. Which is a pretty expensive exercise, but not impossible.

Where does that leave Nicola and I? Well I guess we either have to look at another place, or make this one work for us. I’m leaning on just staying, because I don’t actually want to go anyway. I just want South Africa to start moving towards the amazing place I think it can be, instead of this cluster fuck of crime and chaos that it is at the moment.

My dad dragged me to an emigration seminar on Wednesday for New Zealand. Looks like it might be considerably easier finding your way in there…but I’m not really sure I actually want to live there to begin with.

On the up side, with his qualifications and experience, they are pretty confident that they’d be able to get the age restriction waved for him…this means that my parents will have another option independently. This means a lot to my dad I think, when you’re used to leading the way it’s a tough pill to swallow that your only option is hitching your wagon to someone else’s star to get where you want to go.

How awful would it be if we all end up in different countries at the end of this? I guess what is meant to be, will be. If that happens I need to find a way to get ridiculously wealthy, so that we can go visit everyone wherever they end up.

Getting filthy rich doesn’t look like it’s going to happen where I work now…but I’ve been asked to try my hand at writing erotica. It is harder than you think! Hahaha, oooooh oooooh sooooo hard! If you have any ideas on a good nom de plume I can use for this, let me know.

Okay, that’s a wrap from me for this week…what the hell have you guys been up to?

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The frogs

8 June , 2018

Interesting head space I find myself in this week…(interesting is code for terrible if you didn’t get it).

Truth be told I’m feeling very off kilter, and I’m reacting more than acting. It’s shit, I hate it, and I don’t plan on keeping myself in this limbo for long.

So after the navel gazing (now password protected) post from last week, I’m sort of better this week. If you can call head limbo a better place. Maybe by next week I’ll be fighting fit again (as a side note, I am actually considering taking up proper boxing for some tension relief).

Right, where to start…

I recreated my profile. I was really conflicted about doing this. As you know, my go-to-move is to go into hiding for 1-7 years, but this time I’m trying to do things differently. I don’t really think I will find “the one” if there really is such a creature in any event, but I figure it’s good for some laughs and maybe meeting a few interesting people along the way.

So far it has definitely been good for some laughs…also some WTF moments. I can’t see why I have to suffer through this alone, so I’m dragging you guys into this with me. Kicking and screaming if I have to.

This is probably as dressy as I’ll ever get. Just putting it out there. It’s been sort of fun to do the dressy bit, but I think it’s just because it’s out of the ordinary for me.

(So yeah, not a princess…)

This was a great cup of coffee, that almost made up for the company I had while drinking it.

(Almost a magic potion…)

I actually popped out to buy make up, and this spoke to me more. 😆

(My sort of glass slipper…)

Brace yourselves

Right…behold my collection of frogs! I’ve covered up everyone’s faces and names to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. I’m sure there are lots of people who could say really unflattering things about me too (they’ll have to do it on their own blogs though, this one is mine).

I’m just going to stick to the basics. I don’t actually have to explain much. You’ll see why…

This man has not given up on this just because of that little niggle though. He almost religiously keeps sending me messages every day.

A very serious pity about me having to cover up the face…the blue eyes on this one actually needs to come with a licence.

Unless the earth suddenly collapses in on itself and South Africa and Turkey end up neighbours, this isn’t going anywhere but odd penpals.

Also, very suspicious about why this isn’t an apparent problem for him.

(In a land far, far away…)

Uhuh… as you may have guessed, he really wanted the conversation to move over to whatsapp or any platform where he could send photos. Not for me, thanks though.

I hope he finds the audience he’s looking for.

(A magic wand?)

He wasn’t wrong. I made a typo. *gasp*

I don’t know. I just felt a bit under the spotlight after that, and kept re-reading my messages before sending them. The pressure was insane! Mwahaha.

It just took all the fun out of it really.

(I got nothing here…this one just made me feel stupid)

Met this one in person.

He had obviously been talking to numerous people, and he just couldn’t keep his info straight anymore. He kept asking me questions that he’s already asked me before. It really pissed me off actually. I got a bit short in my responses.

I wasn’t what he was expecting either, I gather.

I’m okay with that.

(Gaston-ish)

Chatting was marvelous with him. And he has a voice that can melt butter, seriously.

I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I’m not his cup of tea. He’s looking for someone short. He wants to date a pixie.

I am many things to many people, but I am definitely not short. Or a pixie.

(Peter pan?)

Observations

  • I am coming into this business way too emotional I think, I’m going to slow down and do some hard thinking.
  • The chatting, even the bad chatting, is good and I’m enjoying it, but the moment I meet anyone in person I throw up walls like someone triggered all the booby traps in my tomb – I think there’s a message in that for me
  • I am pretending to be more girly-girl than I actually am. Why the actual fuck am I doing that?! I can’t decide if it’s that I want to just be a bit fabulous, instead of a bit strong…or if I think people will react better to this side of me than the one I usually present. Could be a bit of both I guess?
  • A very very long time ago…during sales training… this one genius told me that customers will always ask the same question, and it will always be the one you can’t answer. It’s because they hear it in your voice, they know where to find the uncertain part and they zoom in on it like heat seeking missiles. Once you can answer that question, no one will ever ask you to answer it again. Frogs are also like this I think. They know – somehow, they just know.
  • So far, the biggest thing I’m getting from this is a unique glimpse at myself and what makes me tick. It is not an altogether pleasant experience.