Where I beat myself up, for everything

16 August , 2019

You know how some people blame storm and throw other people under the bus when things go wrong?

Yeah…I’m not like that. I am a blame magnet. Not even to other people. I see something that could have a blame tail, and I yank that sucker closer and wrap it around myself like a scarf. A choking scarf. Or I use it as a whip. Anyhoo, I take it. I take it all.

It’s a very bad habit of mine. I can’t help myself really. The best way I can explain it is to say that in the back of my mind I figure, if there’s something I could have done better or differently, then I have control over the situation. I am the cause, sort of, not the victim. It is much more comfortable being the villain than the victim. Sort of. Sometimes.

Right…back to my recent self beating.

If you want to make a grand statement that is so far over the top it just barely has one tenuous string tied to reality, but not enough that you could recognise it for the real deal, you might say I almost killed Andy this week by failing.

If you unpacked that after the WTF?! moment, you might say I did no such thing. Neither the failing or the killing, in fact that is what Andy said when I mentioned it. (Yes, thank goodness, he’s still alive!). He made me promise I wouldn’t say it again cause it’s not true. So I’m writing about it, to tell you I’m not saying it again, hahaha!

The facts:

  • Andy has an abscess in his tooth
  • It causes him A LOT of pain
  • Andy is not currently on medical aid
  • Andy suffers in silence, and doesn’t let on how much pain he’s really in – I get that, I do it too
  • Andy drank A LOT of pain killers to keep up appearances and sanity
  • The pain killer burnt the lining of Andy’s stomach to the point where it could have been fatal
  • Andy passed out on the kitchen floor during the night and when I woke up he told me he was having trouble breathing
  • I first aided breathing issue with an asthma pump, not actually sure if that was a good idea but it didn’t hurt so probably okay
  • Through all this Nicola was begging Andy to please not die!
  • Got Andy to a doctor, even though he was adamant that he didn’t need one, because when you can’t breathe walking it off is not an option really
  • Doctor, very kindly, like a God-sent really, only charged for one of the two visits, none of the injections needed, and treated it as if it was the middle of the range things that could be wrong as opposed to the top end which involves diagnostic scans (G-Scope of many thousand of Rands) and or an operation (I’m not even thinking about the cost of this one, I’m assuming since no one mentioned it it’s fuck-off expensive)
  • Doc is now happy with Andy’s progress, and has prescribed no spicy food, no pain meds, no energy drinks, no coffee, and no acidic things for the next month, along with lots of antibiotics and stomach acid inhibitors – a.k.a Andy is on meds and baby food for the next month
  • Everything is okay and we can all breathe again

The Me beating myself up version:

  • Andy’s not on medical aid because I, as the current main breadwinner, can’t afford it. If I could only put Nicola on medical aid, I wouldn’t be on it either
  • Andy drank a boat load of painkillers without me even noticing, because I have my head stuck up my dinges and I didn’t notice how bad he felt
  • I slept right though Andy passing out! I mean really, this constitutes an emergency and I snooze through the whole event, I am useless in a crisis!
  • The appropriate response when someone tells you they can’t breathe is to rush them to hospital, not hand them a asthma pump!
  • I did not remain calm through any of this. I was a complete basket case.

Okay, so we all live to fight another day.

Apparently this is not my fault, so I’ll let it go, but it sucks when all you want to do is take care of your people and you just can’t.

Side note: Do you think 41 is too early for menopause? I am mighty emotional lately, and I’m looking for a reason. I’ve checked the other symptoms out, I don’t seem to have any of them.


  1. You make perfect sense to me, but I also love beating myself up. I’m my greatest supporter in such to be truthful!

    I am glad he is okay.

    No, it is not too early for menopause. A personal question, did you want more kids?

    • Thanks Wenchy xxx

      You know, I sort of do, sort of don’t. I’d have another baby with Andy in a heartbeat, I wouldn’t do it alone again. I love every minute with Nicola, but some of it was bloody HARD and sometimes lonely! I think we probably won’t have another baby though, we’re both getting a bit old for that now, and Nicola is turning 10 this year – so it’s not like we’d be hatching her a sibling, it would be like raising two separate single children, and I definitely don’t want her to ever feel replaced, because no one could do that.

      You can never say never though, if it’s meant to be it will be. After all, I didn’t even think I’d ever have even one baby…ever. The doctor told me I was about as good as sterile, haha.. .;-) Apparently he was wrong.

  2. Shame that’s scary! Glad it turned out well. It’s very hard not to beat ourselves up about things and I think it has a lot to do with the “what if’s” you know…like some of us (read: me), can’t just go – things turned out fine, leave it – I would be like, what if I hadn’t woken up, what if his breathing had stopped etc. Don’t be so hard on yourself though!!

    • You’re right of course. I am going to try and get myself down to a mild panic instead of this. The curse of the over thinkers right? 😉

      • Totally!!

  3. wow, how completely scary! But use that brain and convince yourself it is not your fault.

    If it’s a help, everyone would have died in my house because i sleep like a log………………..

    I have a question – what is your enneagram number?

    • I did the test, it says I’m number 8 (94%) or number 5 (97%), but due to the last 4 questions number 8. I’ve read both, they both sound a bit like me.

      What’s your number?

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