Who’s the man?

27 November , 2010

I don’t know…but it’s definitely not the asshole who did this to my friend. By now he’s probably the bitch of a guy named Bubbah, because he’s spending his weekend in jail where he belongs.

20101127264 J kicked off her experience of 16 days of activism by being savagely beaten and raped by her husband. What a “prince”. J believed that he would have killed her if the police didn’t show up and put a stop to it. I think she might be right.

The hero for the day is her neighbour, who heard a woman screaming for her life and decided to get involved and phone the police. J lives in a complex – that particular neighbour was the only one who did. No one is as blind as those that don’t want to see huh?

J’s mom came to get her and take her to hospital, so that they could see if she had any serious injuries and do the rape-kit. Only the local hospital did not have a kit available and subsequently one was never done. What a fail! Let me tell you that this is a good area, and if WE can’t manage to keep one single f-ing rape kit in stock at every hospital then I feel quite horrified for what women have to go through in other less pretty areas.

Anyhoo, J is now experiencing quite a bit of pressure to drop the charges…which I think is very sad. I understand that it will be hard to make the rape charge stick because the kit wasn’t done, but not being able to prove who committed a crime does not mean that a crime was not committed.

What I explained to J is that when it comes to criminal cases it does NOT come down to he said vs. she said. A criminal case is between the state and the defendant. Her only part in the drama is laying the charge and providing a statement if required. If the state cannot get a conviction because they did not collect the evidence that was available, then the state has failed her, and not the other way around.

J says that her family is just being protective of her because they are afraid that she will be victimised on the stand if she doesn’t drop the rape charge. Something I didn’t mention to J, but which I would like to do now is that it is quite irrelevant what J did…the reason being that rape is rarely about the sex, rape is almost always about the power and the fear. J…this is not your fault, I don’t care what you did or didn’t do. There is nothing you could have done to deserve this treatment from someone who you should have been able to trust more than any other person in the world.

You know the whole thing actually makes me so pissed off. I bet you someone will come out after the 16 days with some clever statistics on how the number of crimes against women and children decreased…guess it’s easy to get your stats to do that when you convince every victim that it’s not worth it to lay the charge and that they are responsible for not providing enough evidence.

That is all kinds of f-ed up!

PS! Just so you know – update on the spray-painting attack of our domestic lady: the police convinced her not to open a case because they had no reasonable hope of finding the guilty party. Apparently the proper thing to do when someone is spraying into your face and eyes is to get the number plate even when you can’t see.

If she had been attacked by someone on foot I suppose they would have asked for a f-ing ID number?!

I can’t stress this enough: just because you can’t solve the crime doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And where do you get off making a victim feel guilty for not collecting the evidence for you? You know…Ester has worked for us for over 10 years, and she walks everywhere she wants to go. Her sister even lives a few blocks from here and they visit almost every day. She is so terrified that she hasn’t left her room since she got here after the attack.

What a crock of shit…

PPS! I do some lovely photos and happy news posts lined up as well, but I am just not in that head space today. I’ll put up the pony name poll and week’s photos tomorrow.

Today I am just grateful that there are real men out there that don’t have to make someone else feel little so that they can feel big, and for neighbours who actually give a shit about each other, and for families that pull together when a crisis hits them…

and at the same time I am disappointed that our police officials and health care professionals have become so numb to this kind of violence that they don’t remember that the people they see are traumatised and often experiencing it for the first time…

and I am ashamed and angry that we as a society have failed, and continue to fail our weakest members every day.You would not think that that’s okay if you were one of those weakest members.



  1. OMw shocking! Both stories!!
    Hope your friend will be ok when he gets out of jail.
    As for your domestic, that’s seriously scary shit for me considering how close I live to you!! Will chat to my domestic on Monday

  2. Jeanette, I know right?! These kinds kind of things never happen to anyone I know and all of a sudden two in the last few days. Please do warm your Domestic because even though the police think that it was probably a couple of drunk teenagers joy-riding you never know if they’ll decide to make a habit of it in future.

  3. Shit what unbelievable and awful stories. Enough to make your head explode with anger.

  4. Po, that’s exactly how I felt when I found out.

  5. This is so shocking. I cannot believe that. The police, hospital. Nothing of it.
    I don’t believe that the 16 days of activism will help at all. Personally I think that type of “man” will use it to proof to a woman that nothing can stop him…. you know…

  6. Melany, well…he’s in for a surprise. At the very least he’s going to get divorced and deported and a criminal record. But I think you’re right, he probably does believe that he can get away with it. From what J tells me of the incident it comes across like he thinks he can do whatever he wants to her since she’s his wife.

  7. Ek kan nie glo die bliksem dink hy kan daarmee weg kom nie. Nog nooit enige rede gehad om sleg van hom te dink nie maar kan onder geen omstandighede sulke gedrag regverdig nie. Die hartseer is dat dit haar verhouding met ‘n man wat haar verdien seer sekerlik in die toekoms gaan benadeel omdat ek in my persoonlike opinie dink dat so iets by ‘n vrou bly vir die res van haar lewe, al kry sy die nodige terapie om die skok te verwerk. Hoop hy kry wat hom toekom!

  8. Maruis, ek dink nie enige iemand het dit in hom raak gesien nie. Die wiel draai en so aan, ek is seker hy sal kry wat hom toekom. Maar ek dink J se hoofdoel op die oomblik is net om hom so gou as moontlik uit haar lewe uit te kry! Kan nie se^ ek dink dis ‘n slegte idee nie…sy’s ‘n tough cookie. Sy gaan nie toelaat dat hierdie ding haar breek nie.

  9. Dankie julle!

  10. J, net bly jy het dit min of meer in een stuk uitgemaak buddy.

  11. Ek ook. En wat jou nie doodmaak nie maak jou sterker…

  12. Hi, I have just read your blog, and I was a victim of rape and bashed by my ex-husband. This happened long ago in 1980 and there was no such thing as charging your ‘husband’ with rape in those days. He bashed me up once and that was it I filed for divorce, once was on too many times. When I think back I get quite emotional to think that someone can do something to you after you have been married for 11 years and have two beautiful children. I am Jeanette’s (Jenty’s) aunt. I have been married to her uncle Ian for 26 years and have never regretted my decision to leave my ex-husband. When I look at my two oleder boys they are 34 and 32 I know I did the right thing. Your friend must get out of that marriage she deserves much better than that slime ball and nothing she did justifies that weak man to hit her. My thoughts are with her. As for those little squirts that did that to your domestic need to be caught and made to ask forgviness from your lady and pay her out, blooming scum bags, with lots of money and no brains it makes my blood boil.

  13. Hi Kathy, thanks for commenting. I am very glad that you managed to get yourself out of that horrible situation. Not everyone manages to do it – and I imagine it’s easier these days than ever before? No one should ever have to go through something like this…it makes me really mad even just to think about it! As for the attack on our domestic lady – I fully agree with you, the little shits should be made to pay for what they’ve done. Their idea of a fun time out, has caused a load of trauma to our poor Ester. Imagine that she didn’t manage to get back home to call for help, where would it have ended?

  14. Its heartbreaking that your friend J is being pressured not to say anything. It nreaks my heart.

  15. Mine too Angel…

  16. […] Who’s the man? […]

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