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It’s funny – because it’s TRUE!

30 July , 2010

I got this in an email from Esmeralda yesterday and it made me laugh so hard that I had trouble breathing (people actually came from all over the office to see why I was laughing so hard!). Not sure if it’s as funny as I found it and if it’s just because I’m in this experience now that made it so funny to me. 😆 Hope you get a kick out of it too!

Here’s to all the half-crazed-from-exhaustion parents out there and some tips for the wanna-be ones too.

Even with all this – they’re still worth it and we love them with everything we have in us! 😉

Ps! It came in Afrikaans so I did a rough translation under each section for all you Brittish-Only peeps out there.

 

Om voor te berei vir swangerskap:

Trek ‘n kamerjas aan en druk ‘n moerse ‘beanbag’ voor in.
Hou dit daar vir nege maande.
Na nege maande, neem net 10% van die boontjies uit en dra die res van
die gewig vir nog ‘n paar jaar.

To prepare for pregnancy

Put on a dressing gown and shove a massive beanbag in at the front. Keep it on vir 9 months.

After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans and carry the rest around with you for a few more years.
Om voor te berei vir vaderskap & moederskap:

Gaan na die apteek, maak jou beursie oop by die toonbank en sê vir die
assistant om homself te help.
Gaan dan na die supermark en reel om jou salaris direk by hul
hoofkantoor te laat inbetaal.

To prepare for motherhood & fatherhood

Go to the pharmacy, open your wallet/purse and tell the assistant to help themselves.

Next, go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary deposited directly into the account of their head office.

Om uit te vind hoe dit in die nagte sal voel:

Loop al in die rondte in die sitkamer vanaf 17:00 tot 22:00, terwyl jy
‘n nat sak van ongeveer 4-5 kilogram dra.
Sit die sak tienuur neer en stel jou alarm vir middernag en gaan slaap.
Staan om middernag op en loop weer in die sitkamer met die sak tot
1:00.  Stel die alarm vir 3:00. Omdat jy nie kan slaap nie, staan om
1:30 op en maak iets om te drink. Gaan slaap weer om 2:45. Staan op
sodra die alarm afgaan om 3:00.  Sing liedjies in die donker tot 4:00
. Stel die alarm vir 5:00.  Staan op. Maak ontbyt. Hou so aan vir vyf
jaar.

To determine how it will feel at night:

Walk in circles in your lounge from 17:00 till 22:00 while carrying a wet bag of roughly 4-5 kilograms.

Put the bag down at 22:00, set your alarm for midnight and go to bed.

Get up at midnight and walk around in the lounge again with the bag till 1:00. Set your alarm for 3:00. Make something to drink because you can’t sleep. Go to bed at 2:45. Get up when the alarm goes off at 3:00. Sing songs in the dark till 4:00. Set the alarm for 5:00. Get up and make breakfast. Do this for 5 years.

 

Hoe om gereed te maak om ‘n 12-maande oue baba te voer:

Hol ‘n waatlemoen uit en maak ‘n gaatjie ongeveer so groot soos ‘n
gholfbal in die skil.
Hang dit onderstebo aan die plafon sodat die gaatjie onder is en swaai
dit heen-en-weer.
Neem nou ‘n bakkie aangemaakte ontbytkos en probeer om die swaaiende
waatlemoen te voer. Hou so aan totdat die helfte van die pap klaar is.
Gooi die res uit in jou skoot.

How to prepare yourself for feeding a 12-month old baby:

Hollow out a watermelon and make a hole in the skin roughly the size of a golf ball.

Hang it upside down from the ceiling so that the hole points to the bottom and swing it to and fro.

Now take a bowl of prepared breakfast cereal and attempt to feed the watermelon. Keep going till at least half the cereal is finished.

Dump the rest on your own lap.

 

Om gereed te maak vir kleuters:

Smeer Purity op die bank en konfyt teen die gordyne. Steek ‘n
visvinger agter die stereo weg en laat dit daar vir ‘n paar maande.
Vergeet van ‘n sportmotor en koop liewer ‘n  Toyota
Koop ‘n sjokoladeroomys en sit dit in die paneelkissie.
Druk ‘n 5-sent geldstuk in die cdspeler in
Druk ‘n pak sjokoladekoekies fyn op die agterste sitplekke in.
Skuur met ‘n hark al langs die sykante van die motor…  Daar’s hy,
dit is MOS hoe ‘n gesinsmotor moet lyk!

To prepare for toddlers:

Spread Purity on the couch and jam on the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there for a few months.

Forget about a sports car and rather buy a Toyota.

Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in your glove compartment.

Push a 5-cent coin into your CD player.

Mash up a packet of chocolate cookies and mush it into your back seat.

Scrape a rake along the sides of the car…That’s it! That’s how a family car should look!
Om Klein kindertjies aan te trek is glad nie so eenvoudig en maklik nie.

Koop vir jou ‘n lewendige seekat en ‘n groot sak.
Probeer om die seekat in die sak te druk sodat nie een van die arms
uithang nie.
Tyd hiervoor toegelaat: Die hele oggend

 

To dress small children is not so simple:

But yourself a live octopus and a big bag.

Try to get the octopus in the bag in a way that none of the tentacles get out.

Time allowed: the whole morning

Maak gereed om uit te gaan.

Wag buite die toilet vir ‘n halfuur.
Gaan uit by die voordeur.
Kom weer binne. Gaan weer uit. Kom weer binne.
Gaan weer uit en loop uit tot by die sypaadjie.
Loop weer terug. Loop weer tot by die sypaadjie.
Loop dan stadig padlangs vir vyf minute.
Stop en beloer elke sigaretstompie wat jy sien lê, asook elke stukkie
Kougom, vuil snesies en dooie insek.
Loop weer terug soos jy gekom het.
Skree dat jy omtrent nou meer as genoeg gehad het sodat jou bure
uitkom en jou aanstaar.

 

Get ready to go out:

Wait outside the loo for half an hour.

Go out the front door. Go back in. Go out again. Go back in.

Go outside and walk up to the side walk. Go back and then walk to the side walk again.

Walk slowly along the road for 5 minutes. Stop and inspect every cigarette butt that you see, as well as every piece of gum, dirty tissue or dead insect.

Walk back the way you came.

Shout that you’ve had enough now to the extent where your neighbours come out to stare at you.

Musiek & ander:
Leer al die name van elke karakter vanaf Teletubbies tot Power Rangers.
Sodra jy agterkom dat jy”Postman Pat’ in die bad sing, kwalifiseer jy
om’n ouer te wees.

 

Music & other:

Learn all the names of every character ranging from Teletubbies to Power Rangers. As soon as you realise you’re singing “Postman Pat” in the bath, you qualify to be a parent.

Inkopies:
Gaan na die supermark en vat enige bok saam (‘n volgroeide bok is ideaal).
As jy vir meer as een kind beplan, moet jy meer as een bok saamvat.
Doen nou jou weeklikse aankope sonder om die bok/bokke onder jou oë
uit te laat gaan.
Betaal vir alles wat die bok/bokke eet of breek.

Shopping:

Go to the supermarket and take a goat with you (fully grown is ideal). If you plan on having more than one kid you have to take more than one goat.

Do all your weekly shopping without losing sight of the goat/s.

Pay for anything the goat/s eat or destroy.

Kommuinkasie:
Herhaal alles wat jy sê minstens vyf keer.

Communication:

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

 

Advies:

Voordat jy eindelik voortgaan om kinders te kry, vind ‘n paartjie wat
reeds het en trap hulle uit oor die manier waarop hulle hul kinders
grootmaak en dissiplineer, te kort aan geduld en hoe dat hulle hul
kinders toelaat om rond te hardloop.  Stel maniere voor hoe hulle hul
kinders se slaapgewoontes  kan verbeter, hoe om hulle te”potty-train”
en allerhande maniere van goeie gedrag.

Advice:

Before you at last have the kids, find a couple who already have some en crap on them about the way they are raising theirs and how they discipline them, how they don’t show enough patience and how they allow their kids to run around. Suggest ways in which they can improve their children’s sleeping habits, how they can go about “potty training” them and any way in which they can improve their manners.

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12 comments

  1. Ag ek het nou lekker gelag. Een ding het ek amper nooit gedoen nie – ek loop nie rond en sus nie. Nie tensy ek nie anders kan nie.


  2. cat, ek moes dit heelwat doen toe Nicola nog koliek gehad het. Nou en dan doen ons dit maar weer – maar ek sit sommer iTunes op shuffle vir die singery – ek kan nie die blerrie woorde onthou van enige iets ordentliks daai tyd van die oggend nie! 😉


  3. Scared… So very scared.


  4. So very true – especially the fishfinger part.
    I have discovered small colonies of sentient life that have developed under the tv cabinet.


  5. Don’t believe, hehehe…as you should be! 😉

    Tammy, I expect mine will be along shortly as soon as Nicola can get to the TV cabinet by herself.


  6. Gotta love the first one:)


  7. LOL that’s just perfect!


  8. Fairy Girl & Jeanette, hehehe – my fav is the watermelon and in second place the octopus! 😆


  9. LUVVIT!! I think preparing for toddlers & dressing small children are my favourite two sections!


  10. Angel, you know when I read this I was at work and I laughed so hard I couldn’t even tell anyone what I was canning myself about.

    My colleagues thought I was/am nuts! 😆 Best I could do is some sort of hand gestures…now imagine trying to hand gesture a swinging from the ceiling watermelon for a second.


  11. LOVE it!


  12. Hehehe, the longer I’m in this game the more true this seems to me. 😉



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