Spider Slayer4 March , 2009
*I’d like to apologise in advance to Angel cause I know she’s a freak who likes spiders 😉
I just killed the hell out of a Violin Spider!(this is not a pic of the actual spider by the way – you didn’t think I was going to put my camera or my hand that close to it, did you?! I nicked this one off google, thanks google!)
They are nasty little critters those violin spiders. I don’t like spiders in general (that is probably a gross understatement) but these ones I particularly dislike. They rate right up there with spiders that can jump. Major EEEeeeep! factor.
You see, my late gran was once bitten by a violin spider and it took more than two years for her wound to heal properly. It bit her on the shin and the peeled off most of the skin on her lower leg! Those emails that you always see with warnings about what could happen if one of these bit you are not a hoax. It’s nasty! (be careful out there kids…)
Anyway, back to the spider in question. I saw it when it came in a few weeks ago, but I was busy with something important (I forget what now, but it was probably something online). I kind of hoped that it just moseyed out on it’s own again too. I don’t wage war with the spiders outside, only the ones that come into my territory.
Apparently it didn’t. Picture this: there I was, sitting peacefully, minding my own business, having a lovely chat to my pall Vera in London about her impending motherhood that she just found out about (yes, another preggers friend) when out of the corner of my eye I see legs twitching in between my orchids. Right next to where my dearest cat Tigger is busy sunning herself on the window sill. So I lean in for a closer look only to see IT.
I try to focus on what Vera is saying about baby names and work and daffodils blooming in her garden, not being able to send me the photos because of Vista *spits*, but I can’t help being a bit distracted by the f-ing super-venomous SPIDER in between my orchids and barely half a meter away from my kitty. This is unacceptable. This is completely unacceptable!
As soon as I say bye to Vera I set about killing the monster.
I would rather avoid spiders altogether than kill them, but I’ve decided to put a step-by-step up here for all you out there who have ever tried to kill a spider with Doom and failed. This, my friends, is a foolproof way of killing a spider.
- Get everything ready that you will need to kill it, there is no time to run around for it when you start the slaying. It must be within reach, unless you like lying awake at night wondering if the spider got away, called it’s friends and are planning a revenge on you while you sleep.
- You will need: a vacuum cleaner that works, a fist full of fine gravel (this is optional), a fresh can of Doom/Target/whatever spray poison you prefer, about 10 minutes of your undivided attention.
- Do not activate the vacuum cleaner until you have the business end of it pointed more or less directly at the critter. If the critter is busy launching an attack on you, you may use the poison to slow it down (note: it will not kill the spider. At best it will make it crawl around in circles for a few minutes while you get the vacuum aimed in the right direction)
- Activate the vacuum, suck up the enemy. Don’t switch the vacuum off! The inside of the vacuum is a fascinating place, it works by spinning round and round. You don’t want the spider mincing action to stop now do you?
- While the vacuum is running suck up the fine gravel, think along the lines of fairly course dirt – no need to bugger up the vacuum, you might need it again. Do not switch the vacuum off.
- While the vacuum is still running spray about 2 minutes worth of poison into the business end just in case the spinning gravel didn’t off the little bastard.
- Switch off the vacuum and pay close attention to the business end to see if it climbs out again, for about 5 minutes or so.
Congratulations, you have slayed the beast! Champagne all round! Territory is safe once more. 😀