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Spider Slayer

4 March , 2009

*I’d like to apologise in advance to Angel cause I know she’s a freak who likes spiders 😉

I just killed the hell out of a Violin Spider!(this is not a pic of the actual spider by the way – you didn’t think I was going to put my camera or my hand that close to it, did you?! I nicked this one off google, thanks google!)

spidey

They are nasty little critters those violin spiders. I don’t like spiders in general (that is probably a gross understatement) but these ones I particularly dislike. They rate right up there with spiders that can jump. Major EEEeeeep! factor.

You see, my late gran was once bitten by a violin spider and it took more than two years for her wound to heal properly. It bit her on the shin and the peeled off most of the skin on her lower leg! Those emails that you always see with warnings about what could happen if one of these bit you are not a hoax. It’s nasty! (be careful out there kids…)

Anyway, back to the spider in question. I saw it when it came in a few weeks ago, but I was busy with something important (I forget what now, but it was probably something online). I kind of hoped that it just moseyed out on it’s own again too. I don’t wage war with the spiders outside, only the ones that come into my territory.

Apparently it didn’t. Picture this: there I was, sitting peacefully, minding my own business, having a lovely chat to my pall Vera in London about her impending motherhood that she just found out about (yes, another preggers friend) when out of the corner of my eye I see legs twitching in between my orchids. Right next to where my dearest cat Tigger is busy sunning herself on the window sill. So I lean in for a closer look only to see IT.

I try to focus on what Vera is saying about baby names and work and daffodils blooming in her garden, not being able to send me the photos because of Vista *spits*, but I can’t help being a bit distracted by the f-ing super-venomous SPIDER in between my orchids and barely half a meter away from my kitty. This is unacceptable. This is completely unacceptable!

As soon as I say bye to Vera I set about killing the monster.

I would rather avoid spiders altogether than kill them, but I’ve decided to put a step-by-step up here for all you out there who have ever tried to kill a spider with Doom and failed. This, my friends, is a foolproof way of killing a spider.

  1. Get everything ready that you will need to kill it, there is no time to run around for it when you start the slaying. It must be within reach, unless you like lying awake at night wondering if the spider got away, called it’s friends and are planning a revenge on you while you sleep.
  2. You will need: a vacuum cleaner that works, a fist full of fine gravel (this is optional), a fresh can of Doom/Target/whatever spray poison you prefer, about 10 minutes of your undivided attention.
  3. Do not activate the vacuum cleaner until you have the business end of it pointed more or less directly at the critter. If the critter is busy launching an attack on you, you may use the poison to slow it down (note: it will not kill the spider. At best it will make it crawl around in circles for a few minutes while you get the vacuum aimed in the right direction)
  4. Activate the vacuum, suck up the enemy. Don’t switch the vacuum off! The inside of the vacuum is a fascinating place, it works by spinning round and round. You don’t want the spider mincing action to stop now do you?
  5. While the vacuum is running suck up the fine gravel, think along the lines of fairly course dirt – no need to bugger up the vacuum, you might need it again. Do not switch the vacuum off.
  6. While the vacuum is still running spray about 2 minutes worth of poison into the business end just in case the spinning gravel didn’t off the little bastard.
  7. Switch off the vacuum and pay close attention to the business end to see if it climbs out again, for about 5 minutes or so.

Congratulations, you have slayed the beast! Champagne all round! Territory is safe once more. 😀

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26 comments

  1. Well done 🙂 Would have done the same! Love your method though it sounds like such an effort to get the vacuum cleaner out. You need a dust buster just for that!


  2. With all due respect, I cannot be bothered with waiting for spiders to invade my territory before I kill them. I regularly spray those long lasting outdoor, 3 months lasting poison around my door and window frames. Anything with more than 4 legs that decides to trespass, WILL be killed, without prejudice! 😈


  3. Isnt it easier just to stomp it dead?


  4. Jeanette, I’m not sure if a dust buster is vicious enough. 😉

    Sonkind, does that stuff really work? And is it dangerous for cats/dogs/kids? Could be worth looking into…

    Laura, absolutely not! If you miss then it might very well be running up your leg after that. 😐


  5. Bwa ha ha! I really had a good chuckle with this post, I really love your ‘spider stories’! This one reminds me of when I was trapped in the shower, staring at a big ass spider perched on the other side of the glass door! I couldn’t move for a while until it moved and so did I, I think I managed a high pitched eeep when it moved but nothing too girlie! 😛 Good times… Hehe.


  6. yeah my questions gotta be: so do you have a special vacuum cleaner just for spiders?? Have never seen a Violin Spider so counting myself lucky!


  7. Freddy, I’m glad my traumatic adventures with the raboebies could entertain you. 😉 Granted this one wasn’t too bad compared to the other ones where I ended up running for my life. I once encountered a hunting spider in a shower and after levitating out of there spent the whole day covered in soap. I think a high-pitched eep is very manly in those circumstances.

    Phillygirl, nope just the regular one – but they end up pretty f-ed up with this method so they never climb out again. Also, to date I haven’t actually broken a vacuum cleaner like this either. The violin spider doesn’t look as menacing as a Tarantula for instance but if you’ve seen what they can do to you it doesn’t matter what they look like!


  8. Congrats on your victory!

    What a way to go.

    I have an electronic tennis racket that works well — it turns bugs into a sport.


  9. I can’t like spiders!


  10. 😆 this is so funny!

    A violin spider bit me two years ago! Very traumatic time! 😯

    I hate spiders and kill them on the spot with whatevers in reach! :mrgreen: Even if I have to break something!


  11. We hate spiders. Well done. This remind me of another spider slaying a while ago.


  12. Best friend C has a Chilean Rose for a pet. I refuse to set a foot in her house. Griiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil.


  13. I had a huge huntsman spider in my office yesterday. Trying to do the right thing, I asked a colleague who is supposedly a Buddhist to remove it for me.

    He just whacked it with a newspaper


  14. Thanks J.D. 😀 I’ve seen those rackets, but people usually use them on mosquitoes round here. Does it work for spiders too?

    Wenchy, I’m 100% with you on that one!

    Wipneus! Where did it bite you? 😐 Yikes, I think I would just die on the spot from shock.

    Gullible, hahaha – yes, but you were definitely the star of that show. 😉

    Miss P, I don’t blame you…yikes!

    Nursemyra, mwahahaha! Seems like the right thing to do to me. 😉


  15. Argh awful creature. I agree you should kill it but I would be way too chicken to do it myself.

    But when I do, it is with a vacuum cleaner!


  16. Trust me Po, if I can get someone else to do it for me I do too! But I can’t watch…especially if it’s a jumping spider. (I have been known to scream at the worst possible moment)


  17. They work on spiders, but it’s tough. You have to roast them a bit longer and it smells bad. Worse, some play dead and fool you.


  18. Eeeeuw! 😆 I assume all non-moving spiders are playing dead unless they’re all curled up in a death spasm. I think for now I’ll stick with the vacuum cleaner. But maybe one of those will come in handy for when there’s no power, or for camping?


  19. oh no louisa…
    apology accepted- but i am truly sorry you killed her.
    😦


  20. Mmm…I’m sorry it upsets you Angel.


  21. I almost shit myself this morning. i was busy folding the washing, and then something caught my eye on my shirt. when i looked down, i see this flippen spider walking up my shirt on my boob! after having a stare at the damn critter ( it was a second, but felt like an hour!!!) i flicked it off and screamed!!! after calming myself i went back to see whether the critter maybe died of a heart attack from my scream!!! i thought it was a violin spider, but it wasnt. You wanna know what spider it is? now, its a DEAD spider!!!!


  22. nush, thanks for the giggles! 😆 A DEAD spider is my favourite kind by far.


  23. Oh gross! i hate hate hate HATE spiders!!! makes me nauseous to think about them 😦 I got bit by one of those spiders about a year ago and i had an allergic reaction to it and it was really bad.. luckily my doctor was awesome and he took care of it pretty quickly but told me if i hadn’t come in when i did i could have been in big trouble. the worst part is that it crawled into bed with me and i rolled over on it and that’s how i got the bite. freaked me out for a while…


  24. jenni, that sounds VERY unpleasant! My uncle once found a scorpion (8 legs = also a spider of sorts as far as I’m concerned)waiting for him to come take a nap in his sleeping bag. Still alive after he hadn’t used it for over a year! I must make a note to check all bedding before I get in – thanks.


  25. @Louis. Scorpions have 8 legs like spiders do because they’re both arachnids. Saying that all things that have eight legs are spiders of some sort is like saying that all things with 4 legs are dogs.


  26. Mark, yes yes – I know…but since it’s my irattional fear I get to use poetic licence. 😉



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